Season 13 will definitely not suck

Would stick, would stick, have stuck, would stick

Would stick, would stick, have stuck, would stick

Thank god American Idol is back. Football is gonna be over soon and I need something to get me to spring.

Last season sucked. There’s no other way to describe it. It was mediocre singers singing mediocre songs and no one really doing anything new. If there was an all-time Idol with just the members of the Top 24 from every season, none of those contestants make it to Hollywood Week. Except Burnell if he had me coaching him the whole way.

I get nobody wanted a hunky white dude with a guitar to win. That shit gets boring.

Problem is, they’re fit better for the show than anyone. I’m gonna listen to some southern dude do a cover of L’il Wayne on his acoustic guitar more than I want to hear somebody to a shitty Celine Dion or Marvin Gaye impression. Revamping the songs makes for a better show and nobody, I mean nobody, does it better than a white guy with a guitar. Good to have them back and I’m probably picking one to win once we see all the contestants.

The biggest change this year is the judges.

Idol took a monster hit when Simon left. Simon was a dick and didn’t try to pretend he wasn’t. He told people they sucked – and most of them did. When he praised someone, they usually went on to win, because he knew what he was talking about.

Last year’s judges were nothing short of horrible. Mariah was a crowd-pleaser, Randy tried to set records for most catch phrases spit out in an hour; Nicki Minaj tried to play it off like she knew what she was talking about and when she figured out everyone knew she was a hack she turned into a tiny black Simon; and Keith Urban was just a super hunk loving life, smiling and nodding at everyone.

We’re down to three judges now: Urban, J-Lo – making a return after she was so-so in Season 11 – and Harry Connick Jr., who I’m going to call Harry Connick because adding the Jr. to his name is fucking annoying.

I’m terrified we’re going back to “everything is awesome land.” Everything is not awesome. Most of the people who sing aren’t good.

I hated the judges last year for blatantly trying to push America to vote for specific contestants. I’d bring up examples, but I have a rule about Idol – once a season ends, I forget everything about it. Also, I had just lost my job so I was pretty wrecked every time a show happened. Blackout city.

Connick is going to be the game-changer. Last year he challenged the judges on how they were judging and he will tell people they sucked. No one will get mad because he’ll say it with a smile and a Southern accent; he could tell them he was going to murder their parents and all the ladies would swoon while the guys nodded appropriately.
Urban has to stop trying to not piss people off. He had some moments last year where he was dead on with his critiques, only to stop and apologize for being harsh.

And J-Lo, well, Jenny needs to bring it back to the block and get real. Like real real. Like wear a velor jumpsuit with giant hoop earrings and snap her fingers a ton real.

Fox is promoting the judges as “fun” which is a horrible idea. The ratings with last year’s nice group were abysmal. Why? Because America wants to see two things – people shine and people have their dreams crushed.

I’m hoping these judges will do the smart thing and be somewhere in between and they won’t make stupid decisions like not picking one guitar-playing guy because they already have six and the girl who sounds like every other female contestant should have a chance.

Oh, and for the love of god I hope David Leathers gets in. He was stealing girls a few years back and he’s probably real pissed he hasn’t made the top 24.

Three hours to showtime, two and a half to the first drink of the new season.

-The Captain

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