The Golden Ticket – Episode 2

This guy stole the show.

This guy stole the show.

Where the hell is American Idol?

Fuck it. What they’re showing is so much better.

Tonight’s episode didn’t feature the same talent as last night, but it was still good. The focus wasn’t the judges, it wasn’t on the idiots trying out for the wrong reason (Rick Rowling instead of Rick Roll should have been picked up by producers and not show on the broadcast; fucking amateur hour for letting it in). It was another episode based on the singing.

These intros they’re running are terrific. They teased us with John Fox – who looks like Chet from the Real World if Chet had any decernible talent – and then they hit us up with Jesse Roach, who doesn’t look like an American Idol but has the chops to win the show. Too bad Middle America hates tatted-up chicks more than they hate abortion and gays.

And they really hate abortion and gays. (That’s a joke people; that’s what we do here).

Tonight we were overwhelmed with EWG (Everybody With Guitars) which leads to an easy observation: it’s real easy to make it through auditions playing something acoustic. In Hollywood that shit ain’t gonna fly and the legit performers are going to separate themselves when the drop their Gibson and kick ass on stage without it.

We didn’t see the talent tonight that we had last night. Don’t get me wrong, we still had some competitors; they just weren’t the same as last night.

However, I did love the judges not letting some of the young guns through. Performers like Caitlin Johnson and Jamiah Malik would have no chance this year; give them three or four years and they’re the favorites to win it all.

If you’re under 18, it’s real tough to win; if you’re just good at 15, wait a couple years and then win it.

The winner of the night came in the first 30 minutes. Spencer Lloyd, who looks like Jacob from Twilight if he played guitar and didn’t do steroids, stole the show. He’s probably the best-looking dude on the show since the Australian from a few years back and he could really play. If he gets to the Top 20, he’s a lock for Top 12 overall and probably top three because every girl under the age of 17 won’t be able to control themselves when it comes to voting.

After him we saw TK Hash – who looks nothing like Obama, despite what Harry Connick (racistly) said – wasn’t my cup of tea, but he could turn out to be something.

I didn’t like the former-Idol-turned-drug-addict’s-son. He looked like skinny Tim Tebow and while he has talent, he’s 15. And based on his mama’s past, keeping him out of the limelight might be better for him for the next 2 or 3 or 15 years.

No one, I repeat No One is gonna talk about Taylor Stearns. You probably don’t remember her. She was the white girl with curly hair who performed after black homeless dude and was on for all of 15 seconds. She reminded me of a not-homeless Bowersox.

Sad part – in the first hour the only people who I was really impressed with was Stearns and John Fox, Super Nerd. I say that lovingly, because he’s good, but he needs to nail song choices. Why? Because Hour 2 brought the stars. Maybe the Jailbait All-Stars.

First up on the JBAS was Rachel Rolleri. Good looking girl with a ton of talent.

Then there was Remi Wolf. Her looks didn’t make her a JBAS First-teamer, but her voice had something. She needs an eyebrow wax and a haircut. Yes, it makes me sound like an ass. But if you want to win, these are the things you need to be notified of. I can’t see her not getting to the final whatever.

Caitlin Johnson is a First-Team JBAS but she didn’t make it (Editor’s Note: I wrote this drunk and for whatever reason, thought she didn’t make it. Don’t drink and blog). Which is better for her, because she’ll be a big-time player on this show in a couple years and by then, hopefully, I’ll be a judge.

Not on the JBAS team was David Luning. He’s the guy who shouldn’t be on Idol. He looks like shitty Beck and has a voice too good for the show. Then he did an original song for his audition just to make America hate him more. He might be too musically talented to be on this show. He needs someone (like me, for example) to tell him what he needs to do in order to win. He can. He’s that talented, even if he dresses like a smelly hobo.

Briana Oakley was also good tonight. She’s example A of why young kids shouldn’t get discouraged if they don’t make it through when they’re 15 or 16 or even older. She came back and crushed it tonight.

She can’t win. She won’t. She’s not there yet. I’d love to see her not make final whatever and come back next year. Her voice is strong and she has the look. Plus, Harry Connick will remember her for her hair.

Aranesa should terrify everyone. She picked a great audition song and that’s not easy. I want to see her go far to see what she will pick. If you pick a non-mainstream song that fits your voice and you nail it, you’re a threat.

They couldn’t have closed with a better person than crazy-ass Adam Roth. He looks like Jesus, dress like Jesus and says he’s a “sound healer,” which is code for “I collect welfare and don’t do shit except smoke a ton of weed because it’s free, son.”

Then he sings. I nearly fucking cried.

Maybe it was the song choice. He didn’t pick an easy one. Many Idols have fucked up Hallelujah. He didn’t. He nailed it. And it all white, he looked like a fucking god and only proved it by stopping and going acoustic for a few notes.

Good end to a good show. We’re seeing some talent this year.

Don’t forget to check tomorrow for a full review – I know, how can it be longer than this – as well as my man C-Money’s piece on tonight’s show.

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