The Golden Ticket – Episode 3

Where have I seen you before?

Where have I seen you before?

That might have been the most controversial audition episode in American Idol history.

Can’t complain about how they’ve done the episodes so far; we’re seeing a lot more people get in because instead of focusing on the untalented assclowns, they’re showing us the talent. And that’s awesome (even though I miss the people who have been told they’re good their entire life, only to be ripped by the judges, then they walk away screaming and crying. Those people were fantastic).

But based on the reaction on Twitter, I wasn’t the only one confused and annoyed by who the producers featured at the end of tonight’s episode.

It was Miss Marrialle Sellars, a cross between Willow Smith and Miley Cyrus (before the twerking and purple drank), who was the cold open in last Thursday’s episode and we already knew was going to Hollywood.

Her performance was OK – she sang Bruno Mars’ “Grenade” – but why show her after we already saw her? Are the producers trying to tell us something? Or are they just trying to get America to like her now to give her a fighting chance against all the WGWGs and, thanks to the likes of Savion Wright and my favorite, David Oliver Willis, the BGWGs?

In all honesty, she’s maybe the fourth or fifth best GWG (Girl With Guitar) they’ve shown and was miles behind Keri Lynn Roche, who led off the night with a terrific rendition of “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons, when she wasn’t fawning over J-Lo (to be fair, I’d be doing the same thing with Urban and his hair, especially after his mention of fried bagels, which sound fucking delicious). If Randy was a judge and this was a live show, he would have said “THAT … WAS … THE … BEST OF THE NIGHT DAWG. IN IT TO WIN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And in all honesty, it was downhill from there.

It’s not that there weren’t good performances tonight. There were.

Paris Primeau, while not a member of the JBAS, sang “House of the Rising Sun” and sounded exactly like former Idol third-place finisher Haley Reinhart. Jena Asciutto butchered “Rolling in the Deep,” but to be fair it’s clear she can sing. Melanie Porras did what I thought was a cool version of “Fever” that the judges like, then when they asked her to sing another she crushed out “Wanted Dead or Alive” like it was no big fucking deal. Jade Lathan might be playing a different game than everyone. Sydney Arterbridge, despite loving woman-beater Chris Brown, nailed “Loving You.” Marcus Townsend, dad of the year. Don’t get me started on David Oliver Willis, who probably wins last year if Nicki Minaj doesn’t screw him over and I’ll probably write way too much about tomorrow.
There were others, but I’ll get into them tomorrow.

Some other quick thoughts:
Bryan Watt may be the most WstGWG in the history of WGWG. I don’t think he’s gonna do much, but if WGWG was in Webster’s – or Dictionary.com – his pic would be in the definition.
-I want to know if Fox bleeped the word boobs or titties. Because that will let me know that even gay dudes aren’t allowed to gawk at J-Lo’s titties.
-If you’re slightly chubby and you wear neon blue skinny jeans that match your tie and sneakers, you’re gonna look like an asshole so you better not suck.
Karlita and Rikita (not checking the spelling) decided to dress like club hookers, which is usually a terrific look trying out for “American Twerk Team” but definitely not American Idol.
Brandy Neelly – good voice, horrible makeup. She looked like the guy in RoboCop (the original) who got covered in acid before getting run over by RoboCop. (Possible, seeing how the movie is based in Detroit).
-The chemistry between Urban and Connick is awesome. They seem like two dudes I’d love to get wasted with. They still rank behind Seacrest, who I picture acting like NPH in Harold and Kumar. I’d be shitfaced after drinking beers and he’d be calling me a pussy for not wanting to go score some blow.

Tomorrow we’ll have C$’s “Cashing Out” as well as my “Captain’s Corner” with live tweets coming for tomorrow night’s show.

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