Golden Ticket – Episode 4: Redneck Women

How was he not featured tonight?!?!

How was he not featured tonight?!?!

Just as I was getting to the show, it was over.

While I don’t love the one-hour audition episode, my liver appreciates it, but the producers managed to jam-pack a ton of talent into 60 minutes, provided you don’t count commercials and don’t include Seacrest’s mom (PS if you’re a dude and you’re not taller than you’re mom and your mom isn’t Rebecca Lobo, that’s rough).

I can’t pick my favorite part of tonight because it was tough. It could have been the scary, tough Southern broads who could kick my ass; it might have been the little fat black kid who knows his way around a kitchen and, PS, sang like a big soul brother; maybe it was the revival of Neco Starr, who was spectacular on group day singing with Phillip Phillips and Heejun Han (remember him!) singing “Only Have Eyes For You” before getting screwed out of a Top 12 spot; or maybe it was the WGWGs – and there were a shitload.

We started with Majesty Rose, who managed to outcute and outperform Jade Lathan from Wednesday night’s performance. Then came the janitor, Jesse Cline, who looks a little like skinnier John Popper (not that skinny; Popper was damn near Big Punisher’s size. Still have no idea out he outlasted him) and looked ready to fall asleep while he rocked out.

Cline wasn’t the only WGWG who put on a show. Ben Briley and his ginger beard sounded way too polished for Idol. He’s the type who’s too much of an artist that sometimes struggles to find a niche on the show (We’re available for coaching Ben). Sam Burchfield wasn’t a Phillip Phillips clone as much as the producers wanted us to think; he’s an original type, not a DMB-twin like P-Squared was.

Kristen O’Conner was the hottest chick of the night, but she wasn’t the most memorable. That honor is in a tie behind the bad-ass Southern chicks – Jessica Meuse, who I thought made a horrible decision singing an original until I heard her perfect voice (and PS, she could drink me so far under the table they’d have to build the bar around me); then there was Lauren Ogburn, who decided to show up looking like a total redneck bad ass and followed it by singing like one. She’s that kind of girl who gets overlooked compared to some of the supermodel-types that get through, but Ogburn is the type of chick guys like more because she’s not a prissy douche (And while she didn’t confirm it on Twitter, she did retweet a joke I made about it, so I’ll say it now – she 100 percent drops Skoal dingers in on the reg).

The Idol Recalls were interesting. I loved Neco Starr when he tried out. I was shocked he didn’t make it past Top 40. He’s a Bruno Mars clone, but he picked a fucking terrible audition song with Adele’s “Someone Like You.” He was so, so, so good at group night two years ago. Check it out:

I really didn’t remember Caleb Johnson and wasn’t super impressed with him. He’ll probably do OK, but he should go farther because he looks like one of the bash brothers from The Mighty Ducks movie.

And then there was little-but-not-so-little Jordan Brisbane, who should be studying for a culinary career or working on his hand quickness so he can become a dominating offensive lineman (because he’s gonna be a house in four years). I need his green bean recipe ASAP, but I loved his talent. Can’t see him getting far, but he’s a potential 2017 contender.

We closed with Bria Anai, and while she was fantastic, I want to see her get to group night for one reason – there is no way in hell her mother isn’t psychotic. Who let’s their 15-year old wear stripper lipstick on national TV? Oh yeah, crazy people. Bria will have a breakdown at some point and her mama is gonna get real. And that’s when we’ll see when real goes wrong.

Good episode (again!) from audition week. What’d you think?

Tomorrow we’ll have CMoney’s Cashing Out and I’ll have a Captain’s Corner. We’ll be back to live tweeting next Wednesday – and I’m super pumped for that show because a) Little Fat White Kid and b) Magic Mike’s (not the stripper, the rapper) daughter.

-The Captain