Golden Ticket: Episode 5

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Youth is being served.

We don’t do exact stats in these quick recaps – difficult to do after I’ve been drinking solid for a straight hour; the bottle of cab I took to the dome is making my eyelids heavy – but it seemed like every other contestant tonight wasn’t old enough to buy pornography. Or cigarettes. Or dip. Or everything awesome that you can buy when you turn 18 until you realize shit doesn’t get real until you can buy booze without crapping your pants wondering if your fakie is gonna work.

I didn’t have someone I fell in love with tonight. I can’t tell if the talent isn’t as good as the first couple of episodes or if I was just so excited for them (or way more hammered) that I didn’t judge them like I was sitting between Urban and J-Lo.

What I’m looking for is a winning moment. The closest I heard tonight was Johnny Newcomb, but that song he did – no idea what the name is; sue me – was after he sounded like he was shitting himself doing an Eddie Vedder impression.
I did notice a shitload of young, extremely talented contestants who have no shot of winning and need to wait before they ruin their eligibility.

If you’re 16, why not try out, see where you stand, say no thanks, work and get better, learn music and how songs are composed, come back in five years as a wrecking machine and win the shit out of the show?

Another issue – the producers need to let us know the second they show someone is underage. I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older – I’m not gross old; more like “still think I’m in college” old – younger girls start looking the same age. I can’t tell the difference between someone who’s 16 and someone who’s 22. No shot, especially if they all dress like hookers or hipsters.

This creates a huge problem because half the fun of this show is saying “that chick is hot” and I feel like a super creepo when that chick is half my age.

We had a slew of underage talent come on tonight and a bunch made the Jailbait All-Star team. On top of that, there have been more than a fair share of younger dudes coming in with crazy voices that would make the Jailbait All-Stars if this was Chicks Review Idol. I can’t imagine the hell for the show’s producers trying to stop the incredibly good-looking teenagers from creating a Hollywood Idol Super Baby that wins the show in 2030.

As for the talent, talent-wise;
Alex Preston was the first that jumped out to me. His one big fault is he doesn’t look like Michael Simeon, who was a super hunk with decent talent, but nothing like Alex.
Samantha Calmes was doing a shitty Melissa McCarthy impression. Then she came out and did some weird shit that was OK, then they asked her to do another and she absolutely crushed “The Jeffersons” theme song. They also cut her off before she got to the part nobody knows. Loved it.
Laurel Wright reminded me a lot of Skylar Laine, who was one of my favorite contestants ever and was a HOF JBAS. Thank god Miss Wright is 18. Because she’s hot.
DJ Bradley was interesting but way too homeless to do well.
Julie Awful is my cup of tea, but she’s nowhere near as hot as my soon-to-be second wife Madelyn Patterson.
-First thought on Kenzie Hall was “hot.” Then I saw she was 16 and I immediately burned my eyeballs out of my head. She’s good.
Paisley Van Patten made me feel incredibly horrible for sucking down a bottle of wine during the show.
Jocelyn Baker looks like a younger, hotter Sheryl Crow. Thank god she’s 18.
CJ Harris looks like someone and I can’t figure it out and it’s making me crazy. Or I’m just being a typical white bigot. But I think it’s someone I went to high school with.
-As I was catching up, I complained that there weren’t any BIG singers. I meant voices. And then Tiquila Wilson came in. She is, so far, the best non-instrument playing singer that we’ve seen. And it’s not close.
Jessica Bassett got screwed.
Emily Rottler – hated the pants, loved the voice.
Dexter Roberts is more of a badass than I’ll ever be. I just hope he finds his neck soon.
Briston Maroney is a good looking kid, but his voice is going to get him in trouble if he doesn’t pick the right songs. I want him to do well, but I can see him bombing out early, coming back next year and crushing it.
Carson Henline got screwed. And I’m not just saying that because I was a short, fat 15-year old. But it didn’t hurt his cause with me.
Johnny Newcomb is a superstar.
-Magic Mike > his daughter.

Then Idol returned to the old Idol format of putting a sappy story at the end. And I almost cried. I hate saying this, but Casey Thrasher wasn’t as good as they made him out to be. He could prove me wrong, but he wasn’t even Top 12 tonight. Wish he was.

We have a jam-packed Thursday here, starting with C-Money’s “Cashing Out” around lunchtime, “The Captain’s Corner” coming just before the workday ends, then live tweeting from both of us for tomorrow’s auditions from Omaha! Omaha! Omaha!

-The Captain