Captain’s Corner: It’s a Group Thang (and it’s got a funky swang)

Guess who doesn't belong? (PS It's the two guys in the middle, because they're the ones with talent).

Guess who doesn’t belong? (PS It’s the two guys in the middle, because they’re the ones with talent).

Group Night needs to go.

American Idol prides itself on being a true competition that crowns the best individual singer in the country (or at least that year).

So if this is all about the individual, why let a group performance play such a huge role in finding the best performer, especially when it appears singing in a group means absolutely nothing.

Last night only reinforced the idea that Group Night is there solely for the audience at home. The judges don’t use group performances as a way to find talent; they use it as an excuse to kick people out they don’t like, because there is no consistency why some contestants bomb and survive and others make minor mistakes and get booted.

For example:

Tony Foster Jr. getting canned for “looking down at his feet,” which is horseshit, because how many contestants did we see butcher choreography but still get through?

-The judges constantly chirp about performers getting too cute with song selection or doing stuff for the novelty of it. So how did the Backstreet Cowboys not fall into that category? Dexter Roberts sounded bad (pop music clearly isn’t his thing) Ben Briley wasn’t much better and the only person who I thought should have gotten through was Casey Thrasher, who I thought wasn’t good in audition despite his story.

-So Megan Miller forgets the lyrics, barely sings a line and gets through, but Alyssa Siebken – who sang it, albeit not well – gets booted? The performance as a whole was a disaster if Group Night was truly about the performance, they all should have gone home. But no. Spencer Lloyd stays – deservedly so – and Megan gets in? And no explanation why Alyssa gets thrown out? And yes, I’m probably a little worked up because Alyssa was a favorite, but the inconsistency of the judging is ridiculous. (PS I love Spencer saying he didn’t know what happened. He knows. He made it about him. As he should have because this is an individual show, not a group one).

If the judges were going to get serious about Group Night, they wouldn’t take four girls from an all-girl group. They’d take, at most, two, because obviously if one is better than the other, the other ain’t winning Idol. (PS That’s why letting all four of those girls in at the end infuriated me; they were the same style of singer. Just cut two of them now and get it over with).

I get that Group Night is necessary, but it shouldn’t decide someone’s fate. There needs to be a solution and here is my genius proposal (producers – feel free to steal this):

Group Night happens as normal. After the performances, judges pick their winners and they move on. Losers stay on stage. They sing a part of the group song with no music, no instrument. When they’re done, they either move on or they don’t. It eliminates the group bullshit and gives people who might be good but got stuck with shitty stage moms or crazy people a chance to prove themselves. And then we can make the show two-hours so I have something to do other than go to bed.

Quick thoughts from the night:
Neco Starr is bringing the heat. The only way to stop him is have Seacrest announce the first live show is going to be “Any Song You Want Except Bruno Mars Night.”

-If they do a “New Jack Swing Week,” George Lovett is gonna dominate. He already looks straight from an early 90s video and I’m pretty sure it was him getting some hugs from ‘Loud and Fierce’ as the show ended.

-I didn’t recognize Paula Hunt at first, but that’s because she wasn’t dressed like Madea. She dressed her age and sang like a legend. She’s going to be tough to exclude from the Top 15 Girls.

-I’m digging the androgynous MK Nobilette. And if she did a Bieber impression at some point I’d laugh my ass off.

Jesse Cline gets in a group with three good looking chicks? Best case scenario he gets through the night; worst case, he wins the Player of the Year Award.

-With my girl Alyssa officially out, I think Dudes Review Idol is going to jump on the Kenzie Hall bandwagon. Not in that way, pervert.

-Sad to see Madisen Walker go, but it’s a huge help because I was panicked how I was going to talk about her without mentioning her looks. She’ll be back, hopefully when she’s 18.

-Producers breathed a sign of relief about Keith London getting booted. Now they avoid the live show apology that would have come.

Adam Roth gone? Nooooooo. Would have been Norman Gentile fun with him.

-I appreciate Tiquila Wilson’s reasoning, but if I had a chance to sell out and make buckets of money and become world famous, I don’t care what I stand for. My dream job is a sports columnist, but if someone paid me to blog about Idol and other reality shows full-time, I’d tell sports to go fuck themselves.

-Nobody won more last night than Caleb Johnson, who’s doing Jack Black better than Jack Black. That coat was a bit much, but if that’s how he’s gonna roll, I’m all on board.

-Want to see why society is going to hell? Matthew Hamel. He wasn’t good. But of course he didn’t see it that way. Couldn’t have been him. Had to be the judges. Listen kid – you didn’t sound as good as the kid who forget the words. Get over it.

-If we don’t tie our reins Kenzie Hall, they may end up with Geena Gina Jena Asciutto.

-I’m sad Sikenya Thompson didn’t ask the judges for the day off. Because that would have been hilarious to see. And when she told Allie she would buy her a front row ticket to the show, I thought Allie was going to punch her in the mouth.

-The reasoning to kicking John Fox off was horseshit. You know why he’s not comfortable in that situation? BECAUSE HE’S NOT A FUCKING GROUP SINGER. He would have been fine as a solo artist. Fuck Group Night.

-There was nothing as awkward as Jessica Meuse singing with the group and the crazy stage mom except the three other girls doing a shitty Beyonce impression singing “Single Ladies.” Karma kicked in when the stage mom’s kid got kicked out. Not gonna hate the kid. Just her mom, who probably should have been punched in the mouth by Jessica after the post-tryout BS rant. (Apparently Group Night made me feel violent as hell).

-I don’t get Emmanuel Zidor. Can’t tell if I like him or hate him. Leaning toward like because last night he dressed up like Ice Cube in Boyz N The Hood, minus the White Sox hat and the gheri curl.

-Loud and Fierce was a good group. Loved that they all dressed like Gold Club dancers, that they all sounded the same and all deserved to get through. In case you’re wondering, that’s sarcasm.

-Probably shouldn’t talk too much shit. I liked Olivia Diamond. I’m legit afraid of Queen Bulls because she looks crazy. Like stab you crazy. I can’t get past Malaya Watson’s giant glasses and braces, but she’s a year away of being the type of Idol performer that makes me cry every week.

-The only saving grace to Loud and Fierce was the on-stage celebration. Nobody celebrates better than black girls on the Idol stage except Dikembe Mutombo at the Slam Dunk contest.

Wondering where some of my favorites were last night. Didn’t see Ryan Nesbitt. Didn’t see Tessa Kate. Didn’t see a lot of people I wanted to, which makes me worry that they got kicked out and I don’t know about it or they’re killing it and the producers want to give others some screen time.

(This also makes me wonder why the hell every single audition from every round isn’t available online. Or at least a running list of who’s still around so I can know who I’m looking for. It’s 2014 Idol. Step your shit up.)

We’re going to try and post some stuff this weekend and maybe next week prior to the shows.

Until then, we’re taking nominations for our favorite Guy and Girl Idol. Send them to us on Twitter – @DudesReviewIdol or @CMoneyIdol – or email – dudesreviewidol@yahoo.com.

The Captain

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