Clay Aiken running for Congress, hoping Ruben doesn’t run too

Too pretty not to be a congressman.

Too pretty not to be a congressman.

When I read Clay Aiken was running for Congress, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Famous people always run for offices they’re not qualified for because why not.

Then shit got weird.

He’s running as a republican, which might be the upset of the century. If this was somewhere in the Northeast or California or Washington or wherever else a ton of liberals reside, a gay republican is no big deal. But North Carolina? WTF? I’m no southerner, but North Carolina is Mississippi as far as I’m concerned, and that means one thing – pro Jesus, anti-two dudes making out.

If he wins the primary, he a lock to win the seat, but winning the primary might be tough, except for one thing – turns out American Idol viewers fucking love republicans. Turns out republicans watch Idol more than any other reality show, which makes me need to completely change how I pick contestants going forward.

This just means he should get a boost in the polls. Unless Ruben Studdard runs against him. Then he’s fucked.

The Captain

PS: Checked Aiken’s Wikipedia because I was 100 percent sure he was gay but wanted to make sure anyway. Then I read in 2008 he had a son with his friend Jaymes, who is a woman. And then it said in 2009 he came out. So I’m so confused as to what this woman did to turn him all-the-way gay. But good for him. Or her. Whatever. #VoteForClay