BREAKING: Simon Cowell will return to American Idol. Duh.

Don't look directly into his eyes. You'll either turn to stone or get super horny.

Don’t look directly into his eyes. You’ll either turn to stone or get super horny.

An inside source tells Dudes Review Idol that Simon Cowell is returning to American Idol.

That inside source is common sense (You think we really have people in the know? You give us way too much credit).

It’s no coincidence Idol starting going down the crapper once everyone found out it was Simon’s last season, only getting back on track thanks to J-Lo and the producers promoting the shit out of how batshit crazy Steven Tyler was.

It’s also no coincidence X-Factor never really caught on, because X-Factor was like a bag of smashed assholes in terms of entertainment value. Those contestants didn’t have the talent the Idols had and the only people who watched it were people who needed an Idol fix and pretended it was just as good, kinda like the reformed boozebag who tells you how much they enjoy O’Douls even though we all know O’Douls tastes like puked-up Natty Light.

I’m sure someone’s going to ask Simon if he’s going to come back to Idol, and he’s going to say something smarmy in an accent and then go blow lines off strippers’ backs before nailing them, but he’s already thinking about his triumphant return.

Simon is a great fit with those judges. Harry Connick Jr. is Randy before Randy turned into a cartoon character. Urban is like Paula except he’s not a legally insane female and he’s way prettier. J-Lo has her own thing going on, but her and Simon would definitely have the kind of sexual tension chemistry the show needs at the judging table.

Plus, the dude is all ego. Idol’s ratings are slowly dropping and he’d love nothing more than to be the savior of the show.

I’d be shocked if this doesn’t happen. Or if the show gets canceled and he revives it. He will be back. Lock.

The Captain