American Idol Top 13 Revealed! Because I’m a Genius.
So who is America voting for?
If you’ve watched the show, you know there’s patterns. Certain genres fare better than others – which is why I suspect we’re low on pure country singers – and America is always good for a surprise or two. Good looking pop dudes always get in. A powerful black female will find her way in. A WGWG? Yeah, at least one will get in.
Here’s how I see it breaking down. Mind you, these are who I think America will pick and who I think the judges will use their wild card selections on.
1) CJ Harris
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: Uh, did you watch last night? He’s the favorite to win the whole thing.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: Seriously? Only way he doesn’t get in is there aren’t enough votes to go around among the Southerners and the judges all have seizures.
2) Alex Preston
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: See above, but he’s the No. 2 to win
WHY WE’RE WRONG: Nobody likes the artsy guy, votes for Spencer instead.
3) Ben Briley
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: He needed a big performance last night and he came up with it, showed some flare that will make him fun to watch.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: Playing an electric guitar is so X-Factor dude.
4) Malcolm Allen
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: CJ Harris isn’t stealing the black vote. Malcolm or George in this spot, but I’d go with Malcolm because he didn’t freak out last night.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: CJ Harris steals the black vote, Caleb Johnson gets here.
5) Spencer Lloyd
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: He wasn’t that much better than the middle of the pack, but he’s got a huge fan base just because he looks like a Ken doll.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: Teenage girls too busy fantasizing about Spence, forget to vote for him.
1) Emily Piriz
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: She went from innocent to sexpot faster than anyone since Britney.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: Everyone goes all Connick on us and gets totally outraged that she would sing such filth.
2) Jessica Meuse
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: Country vote. And there ain’t a lot of contestants that people from Slapout, Alabama and the such that would vote for other than Meuse.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: Country folk are watching the Olympics, not Idol this year.
3) MK Nobilette
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: She was the best girl two nights ago and that has to count for something. Plus, as I said, this gives people the chance to say “I’m not a homophobe; I voted for the lesbian on Idol.”
WHY WE’RE WRONG: People decide to just say they voted for her instead off actually doing it.
4) Malaya Watson
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: She’s so goofy you can’t help but love her. Plus, did you hear her sing?
WHY WE’RE WRONG: Nobody votes for NERDS.
5) Kristen O’Conner
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: Pretty white girls get votes. She can sing too.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: America doesn’t want to see another shitty Celine Dion impression.
KEITH URBAN SELECTS …
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: Urbanator ain’t a fool. He wants the best show possible and knows Caleb does have a different sound and what it takes to be successful.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: He takes a country person, whether it be Dexter Roberts or Jessica Meuse (provided she’s not in).
JENNIFER LOPEZ SELECTS …
Bria Anai Johnson
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: The girls are so close that Bria Anai could easily be Top 5, but if she’s not there’s no way J-Lo doesn’t go this route.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: Her obsession with Emmanuel Zidor continues.
HARRY CONNICK JR. SELECTS …
Geena Gina Jena Asciutto
WHY WE’RE RIGHT: Connick’s head is in the right place, even if he’s a total asshole about it. He was being overly critical of Jena because he wants her to do well.
WHY WE’RE WRONG: He fucking hates her and takes whoever the producers tell him to.
If I’m picking my own cast – which means based on who I want to hear – I’m going CJ Harris, Ben Briley, Alex Preston, Emmanuel Zidor, Sam Woolf, George Lovett and Malcolm Allen from the guys, Emily Piriz, MK Nobilette, Malaya Watson, Bria Anai Johnson, Jessica Meuse and Majesty Rose.
Let’s roll. We’ll be live tweeting HERE, sober, and get ready for the SS Braggadocios to come over your feed if I start nailing picks.