American Idol Top 10: Idols sing the hits. Or at least try to.

I refuse to believe contestants can be this bad at picking songs.

I refuse to believe contestants can be this bad at picking songs.

You know what would be more entertaining than watching American Idol contestants struggle week in, week out with song choices and execution?

Watching the ones that don’t.

Let’s just cut the field in half right now. I mean it. Seacrest should walk out tomorrow and say “MK, Dexter, Sam, not only are you in the bottom three, you’re ALL GOING HOME. Geena Gina Jena, Malaya, CJ, Majesty, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Sing well next week or you’re gone.”

I’m dead serious too. It was hard to take most of the Top 10 serious when they talked about the important of picking songs because most of them don’t get it. Whoever is advising them should be fired. If you are a contestant and you are reading this and your initials aren’t AP, CJ (that’s first and last name) or JM, bring in people who actually understand the show and what it takes to win. Fire you family and friends and double fire whatever producers are helping you pick. Because you’re not going to win doing what you’re doing now, because this is a three-horse race and tonight’s performance only proved it.

Alex Preston is without a doubt the favorite to win. Of all the contestants, he gets song selection and execution better than anyone; tonight he picked an insanely popular song (Real talk? One Direction is actually better than your average boy band. Their voices are legit and “Story of My Life” is a pretty solid song lyrically) by an insanely popular band and made it sound like it was written by an average-looking kid from New Hampshire and not five teen hunks from England.

Caleb Johnson was equally impressive. He’s 80s-rocking the shit out of the American Idol stage and no one, I mean no one, has any idea what to do about it. Caleb’s voice is an instrument – although J-Lo was apparently offended that he was “showing it off” tonight – and his rendition of “The Edge of Glory” sounded like something me and my college buddies would sing on the way home from the bar when we were wasted in college. Or after college. Or at a family BBQ while our wives wonder why the hell they married us. I was really concerned he was going to lose the performance during “the edge, the edge, the edge, the EDGE” part, but he maintain control and didn’t overdo it (although it would have been awesome to have him chase it because if he hit it, lights out).

The only other contestant that gets this contest is Jessica Meuse and while she was the third-best of the night, the judges probably would have put her in the bottom three. I do not understand why she keeps getting torn apart. He version of “Pumped Up Kicks” was brilliant, but Harry Connick Jr. – Captain of the Fun Police – bitched about her interpretation of a song that, while fun, is about someone shooting up a school. Here’s the thing Harry – NO ONE CARES. Harry has been nothing but a hypocrite when it comes to lyrics; he’s been pounding the girls over their head about their song lyrics and totally ignoring what the guys sing. Didn’t hear him say anything to pretty boy Sam Woolf, who butchered “We Are Young” which is a song about 20-somethings going out, getting wasted and trying to re-live a time when they had no cares in the world. Of course with Sam being 17, he knows all about this. At this point, Harry is either a) trying to prove what a good judge he is; or b) a complete dickhead.

(Stalker note of the week: I had a dream the other night I was at some convenience store buying Diet Pepsi and I saw Jessica Meuse. I shook her hand, said I was a fan of Idol, she said thanks, and I said “you don’t know who I am, do you?” She gave me a weird look and replied “No.” I said “I’m the Dude from “Dudes Review Idol.” Then we became best friends. The end.)

I liked what I heard from some others. Jena Irene was good enough. He song choice wasn’t the best – again, you have to pick songs a lot of people know or you won’t get votes – and her saying electronica music was really growing was hilariously naïve. She’s on the cusp of really being the No. 2 contender but her artistry gets in the way of her pandering to the crowd and no one, I mean no one, has ever won Idol by being different.

CJ Harris took a huge step back. I still love him so I’d want him around for one more week. He really needs to stop singing straight country hits. If this was a straight singing show, he has the best male voice; he’s having a horribly difficult time balancing the artist/Idol thing and it showed this week, but his talent is the only reason I wouldn’t want him gone ASAP.

Malaya Watson’s song choice annoyed me because Bruno Mars tunes are so cliched, but she nailed it. She gets the contest. She’s picking the right artists/genres, but not the right songs; that’s significantly better than the rest of the field, but after a couple Bottom 3 showings, she has to be careful. She should be safe tonight because that voice is reaching the kinda level that makes me cry, or at least tear up like I’m watching Rudy.

Majesty Rose is close. She picked the right song but her execution was a step or two off. It wasn’t a meh, safe performance; it wasn’t good either. It was somewhere in limbo but she’s right there ready to compete.

The rest?

MK Nobilette is done. Just struggling to pick songs and sing them. She’s not comfortable and it shows.

Dexter Roberts is just outclassed by the rest of the field, but his safe plays will keep him alive. Plus, fat dude in a tight shirt.

Sam Woolf has no clue what he’s doing. He does, however, make the bitches teen chicks go crazy.

Picking a bottom three is tough, so I’m really going to go out on a limb here.

The bottom three will be MK, CJ and while it should be Sam, he got the pimp spot so it will end up being Jena or Majesty. I’ll say Majesty. MK will be sent home but the judges will use the save. Why?

It’s good timing for it. MK had a bad performance in the worst slot of the show, so they can justify using it for that reason. It will make the judges look stunningly good and give the show a chance to promote itself as gay-friendly.

Plus, it’s not hard to figure out the next five people out – MK, CJ, Sam, Dexter, Malaya/Jena/Majesty in some order – and I don’t know that one really deserves the save over another (maybe Jena or Malaya, but at that point it won’t matter.

So, you heard it here first. Bottom three – MK, CJ, Majesty. MK voted out, judges use the save, and we have the Top 10 again next week.

-Dude

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