American Idol Top 4: Jena’s gonna win and Caleb has to be retarded to not apologize

"Y'all retards y'all."

“Y’all retards y’all.”

There are two things I know after tonight’s show.
1) Jessica Meuse is going home.
2) Geena Gina Jena Irene isn’t screwing around.

The big thing going into the night was whether or not American Idol was going to make Caleb Johnson apologize on air for calling fans “retards” in a post-show interview last week. They didn’t, which means only one thing – all slurs are on the table. Fire away.

Final 4 is a chance to make a move. You need to win the week because it all but guarantees you spot in the finals. If you come out of the Final 4 a favorite, you can coast next week and get in.

As long as you’re not a crazy person, the favorite is Jena. She wasn’t good tonight. She wasn’t great. She simply put on one of the greatest Final 4 performances of all time and jumped from the No. 3 spot right to No. 1 thanks to Jess picking two horrible songs, Alex Preston delivering three ordinary performances and Caleb calling fans retards (I’m not even overplaying it – people are fucking pissed about that).

This was Alex’s contest to lose and he did tonight, but there wasn’t really much he could do. His performances weren’t bad. They just weren’t what we’ve seen from him before.

The good news for Alex is they weren’t as bad as Jess. Whoever thought it was a great idea for the country/rock chick to sing two bubblegum pop songs should be fired from her life. Her last performance was terrific, which was only funny to me because she dressed opposite of song selection – for her first two songs she looked stupid hot and the last one she was just hot (and Jena didn’t look hot because she’s 17 and I’m not a pervert. Ask me again in three months).

And Caleb? Well, he performed with a dark cloud over his head. You can’t just call people retards and expect the retards not to get pissed about it. I was more disappointed Hobo Ryan Seacrest didn’t make him apologize.

Let’s review the night:

ROUND 1 – BREAK UP, BITCHES

Caleb Johnson
“You Give Love a Bad Name,” by Bon Jovi
Here’s the downside to having three judges who don’t really know the history of the show – they think everything not done in their time on stage is “original.”

Caleb’s arrangement on The Jovi wasn’t original. I thought it was an Adam Lambert joint, but then I realized I was wrong because I think everything that sounds awesome had to have been done by Lord Lambert.

It was, however, almost identical to the version done by Blake Lewis minus the beat-boxing. But Keith Urban didn’t know that because he didn’t really start caring about the show until they started signing his checks.

All told, not a bad performance, but not good enough to make people forget he really called people “retards” in an interview.

Jessica Meuse
“Since U Been Gone,” by Kelly Clarkson
This started bad and didn’t get better.

Big Jess fan. Big. Love her voice, love her style, love her bad-ass attitude. Hated what the show was doing to her. Hated the SamSpiracy. Hated the unfair judging. Finally, it was all behind her.

And she went and did this.

No idea why she tried to do a pop version of a pop song. She’s clearly not a pop singer. That’s like me nominating this site for a Pulitzer Prize (which I’m definitely doing next year). So why, of why, would you pick a poppy pop song?

She would have been better off doing an acoustic version of Eamon’s “Fuck You” than singing Clarkson.
This was bad. It mad me sad. Sam was glad? Egad.

Alex Preston
“Too Close,” by Alex Preston
I feel like I’ve heard this song a million times this season and I don’t enjoy the original, don’t enjoy the covers and Alex didn’t do much better.

He sounded great. He looked comfortable. But this wasn’t an “I want to win Idol” performance. This was a “Please Keep Me On The Show” performance.

I’m gonna play amateur psychiatrist here – Alex has serious confidence issues or he’s one of those douches that says “I’m so bad” when all he wants is people to tell him how awesome he is (classic Dude move).

I don’t know that he has the confidence to play that killer tune. He doesn’t have the instinct to go out and just crush his opponents. After last week – his performances plus voting his homeboy out with his no vote – it looked like he might. Then he comes up, sings the safest of safe songs and I am, for the first time, doubting his ability to win.

And t-minus 10, 9, 8 … before I get bombarded by teens telling me to stop bullying Alex.

Jena Irene
“Heartbreaker,” by Pat Benetar

I’m going to keep this short.

Her night was like a well-written story. This was the nut graf. It was preparing you for the awesome shit you were going to see.

It was tad on the safe side, but it was Jena with an edge. It should have warned everyone that shit was about to go down. It didn’t.

They should have paid attention.

ROUND 1 RANKS: 1, Jena, by default; 2, Caleb; 3, Alex; 4, Jess.

ROUND 2: STOP CRYING, BITCHES

Caleb Johnson
“Travelin’ Band,” By Creedence Clearwater Revival
This is the problem with Caleb (other than calling people retards): when he’s rocking your face off you can’t really tell if he’s good or if you’re just having fun. Now try being me, drunk, when I really can’t tell.

Caleb is the best on-stage performer in the history of American Idol (I never saw Taylor Hicks, but making uninformed opinions facts fucking rules) and while we’re getting our world rocked, we sometimes forget to judge Caleb.

If you give this performance a re-listen, here’s the thing – he just rocked out. The performance wasn’t original and wasn’t memorable. It was just Caleb rocking the fuck out. It was what he’s good at.
But it’s not what it takes to win.

Jessica Meuse
“So What,” by P!nk

Didn’t think Jess could pick a worse song than Clarkson and then she went out and did a P!nk song. (Do I really need the !?)

It was awkward. It wasn’t sung horribly, but it wasn’t great. She looked like the stage was the last place she wanted to be. The good news is she looked super hot in her leopard-print leggings with the hooker boots. A-plus.

I want to know why she picked these songs. She didn’t. Someone recommended them. She’s smarter than that, or at least I hope she is.

Jena Irena
“Bad Romance,” by Lady Gaga
(Happy Gilmore voice) Uh oh. Somebody learned to play Idol.
It’s insanely difficult to take a stupid popular song and try to make it sound like you’re own. Downright irresponsible. Jena did it.

It was dark and edgy. It was sung perfectly. It was Jena showing her sultry side – which she needs to stop because she’s 17 – and showing she’s got a shot at winning this show.

At this point if you’re any of the other contestants, you had to have been worried. Because the performance said “I’m not fucking around.”

Alex Preston
“I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz
Alex picked the most Alex song ever. He even played the ukelele.

It was safer than drinking coffee with a straw.

He didn’t do anything that made anyone think this was his show. He had done that in previous weeks.

Now, I don’t want to rag on him too hard, because he mentioned his girlfriend – contestant Jillian Jensen – and she is smoking hot. So well played Alex, well played.

ROUND 2 RANKS: 1, Jena; 2, Caleb; 3, Alex; 4, Jessica

ROUND 3: MAKE UP, BITCHES

Caleb Johnson
“Maybe I’m Amazed,” by Paul McCartney
After rocking our world for two songs, Caleb cuddled us after sex (Then he called us retards).

It was one of the rock gods finest moments. He delivered notes with such delicacy you could have put a baby to sleep – and it did. My kid was O-U-T.

Caleb is the most confounding Idol because a) retards b) he’s such a rock god; but mainly because c) he can do so much with his voice and he refused to follow the Lambert Plan and really pigeon-holed himself. Ass.

I’m going to say he’ll be safe. He didn’t drop an N-bomb or gay slur, so I don’t think his votes will take a huge hit, think being the operative word.

But he’s lost his “lock” for a Top 2 spot.

Jessica Meuse
“You and I,” by Lady Gaga
As bad as the first two song selections and performances were combined, that’s how good this was.
It was behind Jena’s Gaga cover for the No. 1 spot – and then dropped to three with Jena’s final showing – and it might have been her best of the season.

The key was the song. It’s a pop tune, but it’s not a pop song if that makes any sense. Jena took it and arranged it to make it her own, which was brilliant but left one glaring question.

WHERE WAS THAT THE FIRST TWO?

It ended an ultimately frustrating night, especially after she managed to overcome the SamSpiracy last week.

Jena Irene
“Can’t Help Falling In Love,” by Elvis Presley
So you know how confident I’ve been Alex is going to win?

Well, if Jena continues to perform this way, he’s got no chance.

This wasn’t just her best performance of the season – it was the best performance of the season. Hands down.

I don’t want to say I called this in Top 8, Part I, but I did. That was when she came through covering Adele and making it her own. To take on a song that everyone except NWA covered (Can’t Fucking Help Falling In Love Bitches was the proposed version) and make it sound original was amazing. To make that arrangement sound good and something you’ll remember? That’ll move you to the No. 1 spot.

If it was up to me, Jena would become the instant favorite. She was so much better than the field this week she deserves the top spot and it’s her show to lose.

Alex Preston
“Yellow” by Coldplay
I think the producers are rooting for Alex, because his final performance wasn’t great.

He’s not going anywhere, but it was clear the judges were doing what they could to keep him around.

Alex struggled tonight and this performance just put a sad face on a week he’d rather forget. To note, his performances weren’t bad – his song selection was and at this point, when voters really start to compare Idols to one another, that’s going to hurt. A lot.

It’s not the end of Alex by any means. I still think he’s the favorite to make the final – I just don’t think he’s the slam dunk winner he was two weeks ago. That could end up being a good thing because maybe it’ll spark him a little bit.

ROUND 3 RANKS: 1, Jena; 2, Jessica; 3, Caleb; 4, Alex.

So what’s my final scorecard for the night look like? It’s pretty easy – Jena wins the night, Caleb is second, Alex is third and Jess is last.

If they give us a final two, it should be Jess and Alex. I’m guessing it won’t be. I’m gonna say America puts Jess and Caleb in the Bottom 2 and Jess goes home.

HOWEVER, my jaw’s not hitting the floor if Caleb gets voted out on the back of calling his fans retards. You can’t do that, apologize on a second-rate social media service, ignore it on the live shows and expect to survive.
See y’all tomorrow. Hopefully our Idols can keep slurs out of their mouths from now until then.

-Dude

PS Can’t thank y’all enough for reading. My traffic numbers have been terrific the last week. I’m gonna try to post more original content just because you keep coming here. Really appreciate it, retards.

Advertisements