The Golden Ticket: Idol premiere short on time, talent

She's definitely wondering when the poke through is gonna happen.

She’s definitely wondering when the poke through is gonna happen.

Fox got it all backward.

Since I’m not an “official” media member, American Idol doesn’t send me screeners of episodes so, unlike the Idol media that is already praising Thursday night’s episode, I have nothing to go on.

But they really should have switched things up.

Wednesday was built for a two-hour premiere, unless you really, really want to promote Empire as a Wednesday night show (You shouldn’t; it’s bad. I watched it. Why? Because “Take Me To Church” was in the promos and that song gets me excited for ANYTHING).

It ended before it started. We saw some talent, but not a huge amount (mainly because it was a 60-minute show) and with the exception of the crazy ginge – who was miles better than some of the disasters the show has promoted – we didn’t see the train wreck that is commonplace on the Idol stage.

A two-hour premiere would have been the way to go tonight. The show’s true fans have waited for the premiere and in two hours, casual fans can see enough singers that it might make them interested in coming back for seconds – and like with Thanksgiving Dinner, the second portion is always smaller than the first. That’s why Thursday is ideal for a one-hour ep and the garbage that was Empire.

There wasn’t anything really different about Wednesday’s premiere than you’d see any other year, except the intro where the 24 silhouetted finalists performed, leaving us wondering who they were (but we’ll know as soon as we see Fat Afro Guy, Dread Dude, Tall Skinny Girl With Crazy Hair and Savion Wright, who I’m convinced I saw at least six times).

What did we learn?
-Black dudes still love J-Lo

-There are two things I know about how Memphis is made up as a city; there’s where Elvis is from and where Three Six Mafia is from. The Elvis side appears to be safer.

-All the white dudes in Nashville are hipsters and they all have guitars.

-The man-crush between Keith Urban and Harry Connick is approaching Seacrest-Randy-Simonian levels.

-Ryan Seacrest has a hobby he’s kept a secret.

-Getting goosies is like erectile dysfuntion – you get it because of age, not because of performance.

-The judges only remember performers when it’s convenient, because I remembered Michael Simeon from last season and the only thing more impressive than his eyes tonight was his boner control. I would have Nexted everywhere if I danced with J-Lo. If you don’t know that reference, listen to the song that got shit going at dances when I was in high school.

Let’s quickly review some of the talent from opening night.

Riley Bria
-He can play, he’s good looking and he’s going to bang more chicks than I could ever imagine, but he is not going to win Season XIV of American Idol unless Pers Blankens pulls some crazy, sabotage shit that would make the SamSpiracy look tame. A couple years? Maybe. Not this year. Rooting for him though.

Priscilla Barker
-Baby of 10 siblings? I’m beginning to think everyone from the South is allergic to birth control. I loved everything about this chick, especially the fact that she’s 19 and that makes me not a pervert. Reminded me a lot of past 19-20-year old country girl badasses. Her accent is adorable. Not gonna say crown anyone on opening night, but I’d like to see more please.

Cameron Bedell
He could win, but there will be a million Ray LaMontagne-sound-a-likes, but if he sings “Take Me To Church” he’ll be in the Top 24. I like every guy that sounds like CBD, so I can’t wait to see what he does to separate himself from the pack (PS Sing “Take Me to Church).

Amber Kelechi Walker
I root for poor black teenage girls with bonkers voices every year. She reminds me a little of Bria Anai from last year, but I hope she doesn’t get through so she can get another year of seasoning under her belt. Her voice is good, but I’m in the camp of letting 15-year olds get better and dominate when they’re 20.

Kory Wheeler
The Coffee Man is gonna have to do a lot to impress me because I don’t get along with hipsters because they annoy me but inevitably I fall in bro-love with them. He’s a typical WGWG, but I loved the song selection because it’s always refreshing to hear a WGWG not do a pop/hip hop cover even though that’s my favorite thing in the world. Hoping we see more of him and hoping he told his coffee boss to get fucked.

Michael Simeon
I think he’s Top 24 because he is hunked up beyond belief. I wrote about it last year and I’m sure he’s approaching the high triple-digits in conquests because here’s what I know about Ole Miss – the ugly chicks are hotter than most college’s hot chicks; and chicks will bang anyone who’s been on TV. I don’t care that he asked J-Lo to dance; I do care about how a 20-year old dancing with one of the hottest women on the planet didn’t get boned up because when I was 20 and dancing with any female with a pulse, well, you know.

Emily Brooke
She’s crazy – or just being a goofy teen. She’s a future smokeshow, but there’s something about her that I liked. I don’t think she’s as good as some auditions I’ve seen in years past, but there’s just something about her that I really enjoyed. She’s got me in her corner, and not in that creepy-old-dude way.

Hoping we get more tonight and hoping my ice machine in my new fridge stops sucking balls so I can make a proper drink. I may not be live-tweeting (gotta do work I get paid for, but it’s supposed to be -20 here tomorrow so my work may be canceled), but if I do it will be HERE.