The Golden Ticket: The Hipsters, The Guitarists, The Banjo Chick, OH MY

Auditions are flying by.

And that’s not a bad thing.

If one thing, I’ve noticed the one-hour audition shows force producers to jam a lot of talent into the show, which means less phonies, fewer mediocre talent and mainly people who have a chance to make the Top 24. It’s nice for people who take American Idol seriously.

There’s not a lot to say about an episode like tonight’s; the auditions are over and done with before you can figure out what the hell happened. I do notice a lot of hipsters, which is weird for me except I seem to be liking them instead of wanting to throw them out of a window.

Because we’re not seeing the hacks, we’re not seeing the begging for a chance; it’s just singer, ticket, singer, ticket, singer, no ticket. It’s exactly what we want because we get a chance to see the competitors but don’t get a false sense of who they are based on a two-minute bit.

The good news is, that makes writing these way easier. I’ll stop it right here. That’s bad for those who love my drunken ramblings, but don’t worry – those are coming soon.

Now let’s review some of tonight’s talent, not including the rarest of all sights – a legit black cowboy.

Big Ron Wilson
I can’t judge him fairly because I love giant black dudes (not that way). I’m rooting for him, but he’s not going very far – unless he keeps nailing the false and getting chicks pregnant.

Plus, there’s this – aka the greatest Vine I’ve ever made.

Ashley Lusk
Hot, or would be is she was 18. She has the look, although we’ve heard better WGWG in the past. Definitely someone to keep an eye on.

Josh Sanders
He looks like Chad Kroeger of Nickleback and Edwin McCain had a baby and fed him so while I hate the look, I like the talent.

Casey Thrasher
The dude literally was in a sing-off to make the finals, and they just pass him over in a fucking montage? I don’t get why’d they’d ignore that fact. If I had to guess, he’ll be in the Top 24 or one of the final guys eliminated … again.

Joey Cook
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If I was at a party with Joey, she’d hate me because I’m straight out of preppy douchebag casting – pastel shorts, pastel shirt, boat shoes, you get the idea. I’d hate her because of her blue hair. We wouldn’t talk, and it’s too bad – because I feel like we could get hammered and have a good time. I thought the accordian was a little distracting from her voice, which is so different from anything we’ve seen on the show. Really curious to see how she’ll fare in group settings, but I could see her doing damage in live shows because she’s original.

Alexis Gomez
It’s not often you see a blond, Mexican, grainy hippie with cornrows who sings country music. Different look might work for her – and if it doesn’t, her hot mom will.

Stephanie Gummault
You’d think I hate her. She talks like Minnie Mouse on helium, she sang an original and she’s a plain Jane folk singer. Here’s the thing: her singing voice is good and if she adapts to what Idol wants, she could end up doing some terrific covers. Plus, when she gets Hollywood hair and makeup? Good night.

Ellen Peterson
She’s perfect. She’s not crazy hot, just straight up beautiful. Perfect eyes, perfect hair, perfect everything; the kind of girl you’d want to marry. Then she plays a banjo, which means either I’ve fucked up with what I think goes with a banjo or this girl has a packet of chew and a jug somewhere she’s not telling us about. I’m team Emma and I’d bet under that perfect core is a bad-ass country chick waiting to come out.

Kohlton Pascal
First, he’s a skinnier Caleb Johnson with less personality. I don’t see him being good enough to win and if you see someone first and don’t see a potential winner, they’re not winning. Won’t make it through Hollywood Week.

I’ll be back on Twitter tomorrow night. Until then …

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