Hollywood Week: American Idol’s mysterious ways continue to confuse, confound. At least chicks are still passing out on stage though.

It’s an annual tradition.

No, I’m not talking someone getting overwhelmed from the pressure and passing out on stage. More on that later.
I’m talking about the confusion of why some contestants survive and others don’t.

I get it. It’s impossible to show every performer’s audition, especially in this one-hour format, but I don’t think it’s too much to take a sidebar and say why someone who forgot the words survived or why a particular group that was extraordinarily brutal all made it through to the next rough. I don’t want to assume things. I want to know and I’m sure the viewers at home do to.

Thursday’s show started with the worst cliffhanger since How I Met Your Mother.

We all knew Gabby Zonneveld was going to get back up there and be fine. They’re not going to brutalize a teenager on national TV. It was nice to see Horrible Harry act like a decent human being and while part of me liked that they gave her a second chance, another part of me wanted Simon in the judge’s seat saying “Stay off stage, because you’re done.”

But from there it was just a cloud of mystery. We saw some performers in the Line of 10 who the producers want to promote to get them ready for the Top 24 shows and that’s fine; I want to know why someone like Andrew Annello didn’t get through because he didn’t sound so bad that I thoight he should get canned. I mean, putting your O-face on display might not be the best strategy.

We didn’t get a lot of answers or a lot of new faces in the LO10 and Group Night wasn’t much better. I’m not a huge fan of groups, but I am a huge fan of people passing out on stage and fights among group members, so hopefully next week will be exciting.

More importantly, let’s start making these episodes a little longer. I mean, Backstrom is decent, but I’d rather watch people who haven’t slept for a day-and-a-half yell at each other or stage moms act like morons.
On to the singing, because this episode didn’t have enough to really get worked up for.

LINES OF 10

Kelley Kime
Game changer, specifically because she’s changing the definition of MILF.

Katherine Winston
It was tweeting something crude when she started and wasn’t paying attention, then she started hitting the chorus and was impressed. On the radar for sure.

Gabby Zonneveld
She’s good. We all knew she was good. Glad she got a chance to perform instead of collapse in a heap on stage.

Maddie Walker
I still refuse to believe she’s 16. I have a dasterdly feeling she’s going to get Kenzie Hall’d.

Alexis Gomez
She’s slowly become a favorite of mine. She’s got a “Homeless Hippie” thing going and has a look about her. Plus, a blond hispanic? Like seeing a white rhino.

Cody Fry
Have we seen him? Because he sings like a goddamn angel. You know who’s going to love him? Moms. All of them. He’s the guy who bangs all the chicks because everyone trusts Cody Fry.

Loren Lott
I have a type and it’s not Loren Lott. But she does it for me. I only bring this up because if a normal dude who normally just goes for blond white girls digs Loren Lott, that means a lot of other guys will to and that makes her a gold mine in the eyes of producers. Her LO10 wasn’t great, but good enough.

Shi Scott
Bananas. Voice, legs, hair. She’s a Top 24 (and I think she’s the chick walking on the beach in the silhouette).

Rayvon Owen
He looks like what would happen if you put Pharrell, Drake and Bruno Mars in a blender. Dude can sing and he’s got the look. Plus he’s super nice and super nice dudes always do well in groups.

Clark Beckham
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The anti-Cody Fry. Love the dudes voice, but chicks will dampen themselves on this kid. You don’t think Jaq MacKenzie was enthralled by him?

Daniel Seavey
I said during auditions if his voice held, he’d be a star. It held. You can’t hate him because he looks like a 10-year old. I hate him because he’s going to see things I could only dream about when I was 15.

Qaasim Middleton
He might win the thing. His vocal range gives him a huge edge, his musical talent means he’s going to manipulate every song and that leaves one question: HOW THE FUCK WAS HE NOT TOP 38.

GROUP NIGHT

Double Stuf
David Oliver Willis, Jesse Cline, Clark Beckham, J-None

So this group was called Double Stuff because it was two black dudes and two white dudes? And WTF happened to my boy Jesse Cline? Last year he teams up with three dimes, this year he comes abck looking slim and fit, then sings with a bunch of dudes? Good group, fun to watch and I can’t wait to see how the producers fuck my boy David Oliver Willis over this year!

Shi Squared
Big Ron, Adam Ezegelian, Shi Scott, Andrew Bloom
You knew Andrew was in trouble because Shi + Big Ron = Adam. Seriously. Shi keeps getting better and better. Adam might be the first white fat black guy with soul in Idol history. If you say a bad word about Big Ron, I hate you. Andrew? Next time don’t be the skinny hunk in a group of two big dudes and a hot chick. Makes you stand out.

The Dream Team
Reno Anoa’I, Maddy Hudson, Tyanna Jones, Steffi Ledbetter
Train wreck. Maddy started strong, but Reno fell apart. Poppy group songs don’t seem like his thing. He needed his ukulele. I didn’t think Steffi was that bad and listening to it, I was surprised she was the one sent home. If Maddy, Reno and Steffi were all Top 38, shouldn’t they have all been sent through. So confused right now.

Team Dimples
Michael Simeon, Hunter Larsen, Jaq MacKenzie, Nick Fradiani
Gotta be awkward for Fradiani considering he’s the old dude hanging out at college parties. Whatever though – this group was terrific. Jaq is going to have to fight Jax to be my favorite chick on the show, Simeon and Frandiana have great voices and are even better on the eyes and Hunter Larsen is an absolute minx.

Sal’s Gals
I fucking love Sal. First, he steals a page out of the Jesse Cline Playbook and partners up with three of the hottest chicks on the show. Then he shows how nic he is and takes on the batshit crazy/panicking black chick out of the goodness of his heart. They’d better put him to the Top 24 just because.

And for the record, “Places, Gals” is probably the funniest line I’ve heard since the Dave Chappelle Show when Wayne Brady said “Bitches, Dave. Dave, bitches.”

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