American Idol Girls Top 8: Well worth the wait, because the girls are making the guys look like a bunch of bitches

That was a welcomed changed.

Usually girls night is one for dread which is why I loved when they’d perform the night before guys. I’d just get so drunk it wouldn’t matter how horrible they were.

But the Top 8 girls this year? Really?

What a fucking show.

I was all in on the guys this season, but after what I saw, I would have been more than happy to kick three or four of the guys out and replace them with the girls who didn’t make the cut.

The fact America only gets to pick five of the Top 8 means someone is getting screwed until they get named Wild Cards or whatever the hell we’re doing. I could put together a Top 13 of seven girls and six guys and it would be fine. If it’s Top 12, it would be seven and five. That’s how I feel about the girls as a group, which is weird because if it wasn’t for Clark Beckham, a girl might win this thing.

I’ll have more tonight after whatever happens, happens, but after a week away from Idol, here’s what I thought of last week’s glorious performances.

THE GIRLS

Tyanna Jones
“Rockin’ Robin” Michael Jackson
I’m fighting my instincts here because everything I’ve learned watching this show has taught me to hate contestants like Tyanna. She’s being pushed on us by producers, she wears bow ties and her hair is a perfectly convenient mess. But good god. I hate this song choice because it’s so cliché for a young black female contestant to sing and she just murdered it. She’s so good it’s making me ill. I can’t stop watching her and she is 100 percent not the contestant I want to succeed because I just, like T-Swift says, wanna hate, hate, hate. I’m really excited to see she can match her talent with the strategy it takes to play this game.
IN or OUT: In #JonesinForTyanna

Loren Lott
“I Wanna Be Where You Are,” Loren Lott
Super excited Loren accepted my creepy-but-not-creepy invite to my wife’s cousin’s wedding. She might feel a bit out of place because by mid-summer, I’ll be the closest thing to a minority, but it’s nothing a few cocktails can’t handle.

Loved this performance even if I didn’t really know the song (sorry – I only know THE HITS). She might get caught in Tyanna or some of the other BGWS’s (black girls with soul) shadow, but I really, really like this chick. She can handle pop and ballads and if she can change the arrangements enough to not sound like a carbon copy, she’ll be in terrific shape.
IN or OUT: In #WholeLottALove

Maddie Walker
“I’ll Be There,” Jackson 5
Probably the most obvious choice for making the Top 8. Gotta get the country teen through every single year (note – if you’re trying out next year and you’re a girl, go this route). Vocally, I liked what she did. Kid’s got a good voice, but here’s the problem when you’re young and don’t have experience – the arrangement was bland. It was Mariah’s from the Unplugged session and while I think Maddie is good, she ain’t Mariah. Would have liked her to perform this song with a little more of a country feel. It would have made it stand out a little more and feel like the Maddie we’ve gotten to see to this point. I’d vote her out, but I don’t know if America will.
IN or OUT: In #WalkerThisWay

Joey Cook
“Shop Around,” The Miracles
Ladies and gentleman, this girl is playing a different game than everyone else and it is so fucking refreshing. Joey is doing everything she can to bring the Idol brand back and it needs to be recognized. If you crush out a performance and force people to YouTube to find out what the original sounded like, you’re doing a hell of a job. Joey manages to make the songs sound like her own and not like some quirky hipster doing weird shit just for the purpose of doing weird shit. She’s so good and I hope America doesn’t screw her over, but it won’t matter. She’s a god damn lock for the Top 13 and, shhh, might be the black (or incredibly white) horse choice to win the damn thing.
IN or OUT: In #CookMonster

Sarina-Joi Crowe
“You’ve Really Got a Hold On Me,” The Miracles
The Misspelled One has gone from a girl who I barely paid attention to one who’s got a hold on me (PUN IN YOUR FACE). She sounded goood in the Top 8; she didn’t come off like the stereotypical R&B girl. We heard a bluesy tone with the potential of some rock or country. Soloists have a hard time on the show when it gets down to the end because they have to perform their balls off and usually end up replicating songs. If they’re not on point or recreate a masterpiece, they’re done. SJC has the goods to recreate anything, but I’d love to see her be her and not what we usually see on Idol.
IN or OUT: In #SerenaJoyCrow

Adanna Duru
“Hello,” Lionel Richie
First off, gotta say I’m a little surprised all the R&B soloists made it. Rarely happens on Idol and while I want to say all three won’t make it past the Top 8, at this point it’s hard to say who doesn’t deserve a spot. Loved this performance because a) Hello b) Lionel Richie and c) I’ve built up Adanna to be this badass who kicks people’s ass for no reason whatsoever. Just go with it. Wasn’t super pumped with her playing with the marionettes (google it) midway through the performance, or the dramatic eyes to the camera, but her voice tho. She let that shit out at the end and it was scary good. Need more.
IN or OUT: In #AdannaMatata

Jax
“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Full disclosure – lotta hate being thrown Jax’s way. Apparently she’s been doing lesser-known covers of covers and that has some people PISSED. Guess what y’all – it’s not new to the show. David Cook? Ever hear of him? Adam Lambert? Hear of him? Even last year when Gina Geena Jena Marie did Elvis, that was a cover of some random Swedish chick’s cover and I only found out because it came on Pandora on my 3-year old’s station she listens to when she goes to bed.

The performance was nuts but Jax needs it. If Joey Cook is gonna come out and strange the stage up, Jax has to do the same damn thing to keep up. She’s clearly more marketable – skinny blond chicks have a way of selling EVERYTHING – and I loved, loved, loved the white and gold dress. (FUCK BLUE AND BLACK). I didn’t like her fans throwing up the DMX “X” in the stands, because while I love Jax, she’s ain’t a dog for life.
IN or OUT: In #XGonnaGiveItToYa

Alexis Gomez
“I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch),” The Four Tops
I want to like Alexis, but I can’t tell who the hell she is. Every other girl who performed – and even the ones who got cut – I know what they’re bringing to the table. Alexis seems to be caught trying to be herself and pleasing the crowd. Pick one. Can’t do both, especially when you don’t know who the hell you are. Vocals were meh, arrangement was meh, but I’ve been so wrong about this chick from the start there’s no reason why she won’t keep taking performances and sticking them directly up my ass. I’m more than willing to see more, because who knows – maybe she turns into a superstar.
IN or OUT: Out #Barefoot4Lyfe

Now who is America picking? No fucking clue.

If I’m picking, I’ll take Joey, Jax, Tyanna, Sarina-Joi (all aboard the bandwagon) and Adanna based on the performances. Loren would be a wild card choice for sure.

Will America give us three BGWS? I don’t think it will.

America’s votes in Joey, Jax, Tyanna because they really can’t screw that up. I think Sarina-Joi gets in and I’ll give the last spot to Maddie Walker, but if it’s Alexis Gomez – because there needs to be one country girl – don’t get pissy.

We’ll see how it plays out – and coming up in an hour or so, I’ll delve into who should be the Top 10 tonight as well as the three wild card choices.

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