American Idol Top 12: A couple bad eggs don’t ruin Idol’s Golden Dozen

I don’t hate the Top 12.

Could I do without Daniel Seavey? Sure. Does Maddie Walker’s inclusion feel forced because of her country background while Loren Lott, who was clearly better at every point, goes home? Yeah, a little.

But it’s not a bad cast.

There’s always going to be contestants we can’t agree on. A lot of the music snob bloggers really get worked up over this, but I’m not one of them (I say this sober; put six drinks in me and I’m furious).

I like the balance on both sides even if a couple of my personal favorites – Jack Black’s bigger, younger cousin Adam Ezegelian, WGWG Mark Andrews and future second wife Loren – didn’t get in.

As for the show, it was too rushed. America is supposed to be making decisions and I don’t like the flow of these one-hour performances. We need a few minutes to sit back and listen to the judges, who just refuse to, you know, actually judge. We need time to let songs sit, let Idols react to to the audience and, most importantly, some time so I can make Vines that don’t totally suck balls (after that ringing endorsement, find me on Vine at @DudesReviewIdol).

If we don’t start getting two-hour shows soon, I’m going to lose my mind. I’m already in a panic about WTF is going on tomorrow night and wondering how in the hell I’m gonna get through the week with only one day of Idol next week.

So how were the performances tonight? Pretty solid actually.

I think we really had a chance to see who’s legit, who’s not and who the judges cannot stop drooling over even though they haven’t proved they can sing a fucking sing a lick (PS that’s Qaasim Middleton).

Here’s the recaps, accompanied by the instant Thumb Meter Review. If y’all think the Thumb Meter Review sucked, I’ll ditch it ASAP and try something new next week. Comment below, hit me on Twitter, Vine or email. I’d give you a home address, but only if you promise to fix the water spots on my upstairs ceiling.


Sarina-Joi Crowe
“Love Runs Out,” One Republic

First off, SJC deserved a spot. She’s not close to borderline after what she’s showed to this point.
Tonight was a disaster and coming out of the leadoff spot, it might be a short stay for the three-named wondergirl. The song wasn’t a bad choice, but she was behind the music and never really connected with the song (you can go to other bloggers for technical terms). I’d give her a pass because going leadoff isn’t easy on a night like this, but she really needs to stick to more powerful songs where she can use her voice to blow people away.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In. #JoiAndPain

Rayvon Owen
“Wide Awake,” Katy Perry

Rayvon’s not nearly as hot as KP and has wayyy smaller boobs, so that was a huge negative for me, but I didn’t mind Heisenberg getting to the Top 12. He was a fringe guy because he’s clearly not in the elite class but he’s far from bad.

This performance was OK. He showed some range, but there was a lot going on. When I see dudes who can go false perform, I want to fucking cry on my couch. I want my wife to look at me and say “are you crying? WHY DID I MARRY A PUSSY.” No tears on this. Maybe it’s the nature of the show when they’re blasting these contestants out like machine-gun fire, but it prevents someone like Rayvon from really cooking.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In #MakeMeCry

Daniel Seavey
“Straight Up,” Paula Abdul

Should Daniel have been here? Fuck no.

Was it an upset that he was? No.

This spot should have been Mark Andrew, but let’s be honest – of the guys who got left on the seat, did any of them do anything to really impress us enough? It’s easy to say that after seeing Seavey have the type of moment that would have prevented 15-year old me from ever going back to school, but I’m not going to say they deserved it more than this kid because if they did, they wouldn’t have puked all over themselves last week.

Seavey was a mess, forgot words and the awkward first-pump at the end made me feel embarrassed for him until I realized he gets blowies for life because he can tell chicks “Want to see a YouTube of me on American Idol?” Panty dropper. Good for him.
IN or BOTTOM 3: Bottom 3 #StraightUpGoHome

Maddie Walker
“Suitcase,” Gwen Sebastian

So remember when Maddie was eliminated, then got put into a sing-off and then, with the pressure all on her shoulders, totally destroyed some girl’s life?

Yeah, that’s what tonight was like.

Maddie had to perform the way she did tonight. She was good and the only reason people will crap on her is because they’re pissed Loren Lott didn’t get in. With something to prove and a ton of pressure, she nailed the performance. Or at least that’s what this country-hating dude thinks.

In most years I think Maddie would be a monster, but with what some of the other girls are throwing out, she’ll be done sooner than later.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In #DontPackTheSuitcase

Tyanna Jones
“Wings,” Little Mix

This girl like Robin Williams in Jack (Wikipedia It). She gets years older every week and that goofy 16-year old we met in auditions performs like she’s been on stage for at least 16 years.

I refuse to believe she’s not 25. I refuse to believe she hasn’t had a monster No. 1 hit yet. She’s a pro playing with fucking amateurs and it’s unbelievable to watch.

My worry with Tyanna is she’s going to get pushed on us by producers and they’ll make us hate her. I hope that doesn’t happen because if she keeps doing her thing, I’m going to have a hard time not picking her to win the damn show.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In #MeAndMissJones

Nick Fradiani
“In Your Eyes,” Peter Gabriel

Obviously not enough time, but it should be noted Fradiani’s cover is a cover of a cover. Jeffrey Gaines did a very similar version that I wanted CJ Harris to do last year that he never did.

Fradiani nailed this and he’s all of a sudden a force. If the judges stopped busting his balls about his age, America would forget and the teenage vote would be all his.

I’m not going to say Fradiani is the most talented or the best on stage. I will say he’s got a fucking lot of Kris Allen in him and when you get a good looking dude on a guitar, watch the fuck out.

Oh, and his sudden revival single-handedly marked the demise of Mark Andrew. Idol thought it had its grainy WGWG and instead got its worst nightmare – a hunk on a guitar. FINAL 2 LOCK.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In #FradOfNothin

“I Want to Hold Your Hand,” The Beatles

If she stayed on the piano the whole time, tears.

Even though it didn’t happen, that was remarkable.

Despite her decision to make shitty cheese curls, Jax has been the front-runner from the girls side all season and tonight didn’t change shit. You love the hotness, the hair, the X tat and if she added a pack of Marlboro Reds to the leather jacket and gloves she would have been the badass chick every dude was afraid of but every dude wanted to hang out with.

If there’s a way Jax doesn’t make the Final Four, I haven’t figured it out yet.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In #JaxMachine

Qaasim Middleton
“Sir Duke,” Stevie Wonder

I was super pumped for about 10 seconds because I thought we were going to hear the man sing.
And then he stopped singing and started dancing around and beat-boxing like a clown. It’s a balls move to not sing on a singing show, but Qaasim has J-Lo, Harry, Keith and the producers wrapped in his dreads.

The kid’s a good performer, but he’s a horseshit singer, or at least that’s the impression I’ve gotten to this point. Who knows? Maybe he sings like goddamn Luciano Pavarotti and just refuses to sing because he’d rather act like he’s having a seizure on stage because it makes people scream.

America’s going to keep voting him through, but let’s cut the shit – he’s not better than Seavey.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In #MiddleOfThePack

Clark Beckham
“It’s a Man’s, Man’s, Man’s World,” James Brown

After hearing 90 seconds of Qaasim not singing a fucking word, it was awesome to hear Clark sing his god damn balls off.

He’s the best guy. I love Quentin Alexander, but this dude is playing a different ball game. I’m pretty sure when they cut to the judges and Urban was going nuts, J-Lo was wiping her goosies off her legs (is that what the kids are calling it these days).

And much like Tyanna Jones has gotten older each week, my man Clark has gone from quite ordinary to Tom Brady-esque. If he lets the beard grow a little, I’m leaving the wife and kids.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In #BeckPlease

Joey Cook
“King of Spain,” The Tallest Man on Earth

I’m not going to sit here and pretend I know any of the songs this chick (really want to call her broad solely because she gives off this 50s vibe and I feel like it would be fitting. If she gives approval, it’s a done deal) chooses, but I give zero shits. Zero. She can sing whatever she damn well pleases.

Her performances are fun. How many Idols in the past could you say that about? I’m wracking the nether-regions of alcohol-infused noggin and can’t come up with one except Norman Gentile. Joey is Norman’s fun with a hell of a lot more talent.

There needs to be a judges’ save so when she gets porked they can save her, but Joey should last on this show as long as she wants to.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In #QueenOfTheBlueHairs

Quentin Alexander
“Royals,” Lorde

Bottom line, dude deserved it.

Last week was a mess. He was out of his zone and paid the price. He’s the No. 2 guy in this contest – behind Clark – but it’s closer than it should be considering dude was a fucking wild card choice.

Is America that fucked up that a black dude who dresses like a maniac but doesn’t sing gets a billion votes over the black dude who dresses like a maniac bu sings his face off? No one can make sense of Qaasim getting in over Quentin on votes because it doesn’t make sense.

You can get picky about his performance, but watch it again – dude was shaking as he started the song and still nailed it. If I was drunk – and let’s be honest, by 8:55 EST I’m usually HAMMERED – it would have been a little dusty in my house after that.

Fuck everyone for not voting for this dude.
IN or BOTTOM 3: In #DontFuckUpAgainAmerica

Adanna Duru
“You and I,” Lady Gaga

Not her best showing, but you can’t argue that she didn’t deserve a spot. Adanna didn’t take Loren’s spot because Maddie did. As I said when they all made the Top 16, there was no way Sarina-Joi, Adanna and Loren were all getting through. You can’t justify it. One of them had to go and while I’m sad it was Loren – who just does it for me – Adanna had just as much right to a Top 12 slot.

Her performance tonight has to be chalked up to nerves, because she was all over the place. I think she’s strong enough that her moving on would be good for the show, but I think she’s getting the Kristen O’Connor treatment and will be booted next week.
IN or BOTTOM 3: Bottom 3 #AdannaDontHurtMe

Usually this is when America stops fucking around, so I don’t expect anyone who performed well to be in the Bottom 3 tomorrow night.

Based on what I saw, Seavey, SJC and Adanna are bottom 3 with Seavey getting the boot. Honestly, I think America plays it the same way with the bottom 3 but SJC pays the price for struggling out of the leadoff spot and goes home.

Seacrest mentioned a big surprise, so I’m wondering WTF it will be. I’m actually curious if in the hour they’ll have the four rejects perform and take one more to make a final 13 – Loren gets that spot – but with no show Wednesday, I can’t think of what else the surprise could be.

Normally I’d be banging out a who’s going to win blog, but with the show coming up tomorrow I don’t know if I’ll have time. Maybe we’ll save that one for Monday.