American Idol Top 8 Guys: Better late than never, right?

It’s good to be home.

No, no it’s not.

While I will enjoy my American Idol night, I’d much rather be back in Key West in 80 degree weather than the slop where I’m at. Ever hear of ice dams? Yeah, those were nice to come back to. You like water damage in your newly-built house? Me too.

Making things worse is my booze sabbatical. I am genuinely concerned for my body after the abuse it suffered last week and with my seasonal job start date slowly approaching, I need to start eating right and get in shape so I don’t die mid-summer.

Of course, if I eat properly today and leave myself enough calories, I might drink anyway. All about the calorie counts for this guy.

I’m pumped to be back in my comfort zone for American Idol tonight and after missing last week’s shows – sorry y’all – I’ll be live an 8 p.m. for a night that should be two hours but it still, for whatever reason, only one.

Here’s what’s coming from me pre-show to quench your Idol thirst:
-The below recap on the guys from last week
-A recap on the ladies
-Predicting who America votes for, then who gets the wild card spots.

It should be noted there are spoilers out there. Dudes don’t do spoiler sites. Spoilers are fucking lame unless you’re watching a super dramatic/scary movie and wikipedia it so you don’t get freaked out (not that I do that).

Let’s get these recaps started.


Daniel Seavey
“How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You),” Marvin Gaye
His performance was a wreck. As someone tweeted me while I was eating wood-grilled pizza in Key West last week, it was hard to see a kid go through puberty live on stage. If he can’t keep his voice from cracking, he can’t be on stage. Bottom line. This kid is loaded with talent. I can see him having a Robin Thicke career, minus the stealing of music and copious amounts of marital affairs, but right now he cannot win Idol. Sorry kid, enjoy all the fame and HJ’s that Idol is going to bring you. Don’t forget us in a decade when you’re the biggest artist on the planet.
IN or OUT: Out #CrackKills

Mark Andrew
“Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone,” The Temptations
I love Mark Andrew. Like, if he needed me to ditch my family so we could be best bros, I’d have to give it a TON of thought. But I was not happy with this song. Dude, you’re a WGWG. You have a golden ticket to the Final Four (suck it, NCAA) of American Idol if you keep doing classic rock, folk and acoustic covers of pop songs. Don’t do R&B. No matter how nappy your hair gets, you cannot do it. Win Idol first, then do whatever you want. I need more Mark Andrew in my life, but I am extremely worried after seeing that.

Rayvon Owen
“My Girl,” The Temptations
What a terrific song song, but what a brutal Idol song. It’s sweet song that reminds you of dancing with your daughter. I would have liked to see Rayvon take on a song that drips sex because I feel like the ladies are absolutely ready to pounce on this dude. I mean, it wasn’t one of the best vocals I’ve ever heard, but three songs in he was the leader of the pack. It seemed very safe, which I wouldn’t hate if I thought Rayvon was the favorite. Don’t think that’s the case, but still hoping to see him get through just to see the judges flip on him mid-season when the producers decide they don’t want him through.
IN or OUT: Out #BreakingOwen

Adam Ezegelian
“I Want You Back,” Jackson 5
At this point Jack Black should just sue the bejesus out of AE, or at least make a claim on identity theft. I would have loved to see Puff Daddy 2 sing this in the actual style of the Jackson 5 because I really think he could hit those high notes (sidebar: would have been way funnier if he did “Dancin’ Machine and stopped to do the robot. Just sayin’) but this performance was a steaming pile of mediocrity. I expect so much from this dude – fat guys stick together – and I’m hoping he moves on because he, more than anyone since maybe Norman Gentile, is the best character Idol’s had.
IN or OUT: In #PuffDaddy2

(PS Do you think Adam wanted to call himself Puff Daddy on the show or something like that and producers were drooling over the thought of a finale where Diddy shows up and they perform “Kashmir?” And then someone said, “uh, guys – remember when Diddy dated J-Lo and the relationship ended when Diddy took her to a club and then he shot the place up and let one of his homeboys take the rap? Not a good idea.”)

Clark Beckham
“Tracks of My Tears,” Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
If Clark Beckham doesn’t win Idol it’s because he screws something up. The voice, the musicianship and the sneaky good looks (he’s not hot enough that I’d suddenly change teams, but I’d definitely hang out with him to catch the leftovers. You know, if not for the wife and kids thing) makes him the frontrunner. This performance was brilliant because it stayed far enough away from the original and far enough away from Adam Lambert’s version, which is the greatest performance in the history of the show. I’m hoping he’s going to go bigger every week this season, because this dude has the goods.
IN or OUT: In #SingItLikeBeckham

Nick Fradiani
“Signed, Sealed, Delivered” Stevie Wonder
The Voice has Adam Levine and American Idol has the welfare version in Nick Fradiani. I’m not going to sit here and listen to people tell me if Christina Aguilera killed Levine, Fradiani couldn’t step in. He’s as good as the Maroon 5 frontman (and that’s either a compliment or an insult, depending on how much you love/hate “She Will Be Loved”) and he’s gone from the creepy old pervo creepin for young chicks on Idol (note: in my head only) to someone who is a sneaky frontrunner. He’s a more aggressive 5 o’clock shadow away from totally having every female viewer in America vote for him and he hasn’t come off like a douche, which is huge because dudes will not vote for douches. Liked the performance and I’m lovin this guy more and more.
IN or OUT: In #HideYoWifeHideYoDaughtersNicksCominForEverybody

Qaasim Middleton
“I Wish” Stevie Wonder
Qaasim is hands-down the best performer on the show. But if we’re taking vocals into account, he’s gotta go. Listen, I love guys who can perform. But when you think of the best performing artists today – say Bruno Mars – you almost forget the fact they can sing their balls off. If you put Bruno Mars in a chair and had him sing, he’d crush it. Can Qaasim say the same thing? I don’t think so. He’s obviously a huge favorite of the judges and producers and the crowd loves him. Terrific. I don’t hate the kid because he’s got that “it” factor so many Idols lack. What he doesn’t have is a voice and until I hear one, I don’t know how the show can keep him on. He’ll be in though, because America is trained to worry more about appearance than vocal ability (see Pop Stars, Most Of Them)
IN or OUT: In #VocalsSchmocals

Quentin Alexander
“Master Blaster (Jammin’)” Stevie Wonder
This was disappointing. To call it anything else would be a lie, but I’m giving Quentin a pass. First off, I can’t imagine having to sit around for an hour, being a part of the final five and finally hearing your name called. That’s some intense shit and to expect him to be on his A game is ridiculous. The song wasn’t a good choice. It looked awkward, sounded awkward and didn’t fit the personality Q has shown to this point. I like him singing songs where he takes control of the crowd with his voice and stoic appearance, not jumping around the stage trying to be Qaasim. I have extremely high expectations from this dude, so much like an over-bearing Little League dad, I’m going to be pissed until he meets them and when he does, I’ll barely offer a compliment.
IN or OUT: In #GoingToQSchool

America’s vote is going to be tough because this was such a horrific night of performances.

With only five spots to fill, I’m curious if America votes in trends. I’m not going to be shocked if one of the Qsome doesn’t make it in but then gets a wild card spot as J-Lo cries and everyone embarrasses themselves on TV while berating people for not voting the way they think it should have been.

So here’s America’s 5: Quentin and Qaasim (The Qsome), Adam gets in because America loves him, Clark gets in because he’s amazing, and Nick gets in because all of a sudden he’s stealing Mark’s WGWG votes in a terrific strategic move that everyone forgot to mention until I did just now.

With Daniel, Mark and Rayvon out – although like I said, Daniel could steal a Q spot – I think Urban takes Mark and J-Lo takes Daniel.

(NOTE: I haven’t watched the girls yet, but after I write that recap these WC picks will probably change)