American Idol Top 9: The QaasimSpiracy owned the 80s

And just like a pair of ill-fitting leather pants in a way too hot night club, American Idol 80s night was ruined.

There’s no need to complain further about Qaasim Middleton’s save. What is done is done and there’s no going back.

But to have Qaasim saved, perform the way he did and then have the judges spread praise all over a performance that only a townie bar patron would love? It was comical.

I’m no Daniel Seavey fan – to be fair, I don’t hate the kid; just think he’s out of place – but as bad as Seavey was, he wasn’t near as bad as Qaasim. Qaasim sounded like the drunk college guy performing at karaoke. He was me. I was him. And the judges loved it, which makes me 100 percent confident if I wasn’t over the age limit, I could win American Idol.

From J-Lo: “You tell it with your movement, and that sometimes overshadows your voice.”
From Harry: “Your greatest strength is your ability to perform. I’ve always thought your weakness was your unwillingness to forfeit that.”
From Keith: “I really think sometimes you don’t believe in your voice enough so you sometimes compensate with everything else.”

Those three lines from the judges all say the same thing about Qaasim: You can’t sing, but we don’t care.

Qaasim doesn’t deserve to be this far. He was an interesting prospect, for sure, but when we heard his vocals that should have been it. I’m not saying Maddie Walker was the best vocalist on the show, but at least she attempted to sing something resembling a note (it was a damn shame she didn’t get to sing Wednesday; “Every Rose Has A Thorn” could have been her ticket to the Top 5) and if I’m Adanna Duru I’m furious that this dancing king got through while my superior voice is sent packing. Qaasim owes her dinner and drinks, because that’s usually what a lady likes before she gets fucked.

I predicted Qaasim would make it through, but at this point the QaasimSpiracy (copyright Dudes Review Idol) is making Season 13’s SamSpiracy (also copyright Dudes Review Idol) look like a joke. Qaasim got a huge boost after being saved and the Bottom 3 was pretty predictable. I had Rayvon Owen going home in Maddie’s spot – still shocked the country vote didn’t come through this year – but Adanna was cooked because she led off last week.

But the QaasimSpiracy cannot be denied based off the judges’ comments. I mean, they crushed Daniel Seavey, who was bad but not nearly as the Dreadlocked One.

Quentin Alexander was totally unoriginal in his song selection, but he sounded great and still got crapped on by Harry Connick like he was a statue in Jackson Square. Harry – fuck uptempo. It’s not about putting a set list together; it’s about winning.

I mean, Joey Cook wasn’t good this week and was still better than Qaasim vocally. Not even close, actually. She got ripped by Harry, Keith and J-Lo because she “wasn’t the Joey we’ve come to know.”

Tyanna Jones threw out a terrific performance and they were nit-picking her, which made no sense after what they handed Qaasim on stage.

Then there’s Jax. She murders a song that I was 100 percent certain she wasn’t going to be able to do differently – NOTE TO SELF: Don’t doubt Jax – and the nit-picking starts again. J-Lo was getting picky about the middle of the song. Connick was worried about the sound. Urban didn’t think she was loud enough.

Fradiani, who did 10 times better than I thought he was going to with the song and was a million times better than Qaasim, gets told by the judges he needs to be more relaxed on stage. No one paid attention to his performance because his smile, obviously, was the most important part.

Clark, who nearly ended my marriage tonight (or extended it, depending on how drunk me and Mrs. Dudes Review Idol would be upon a Clark Beckham arrival), got told by Harry that there are a ton of good performers “running around on stage.” Gee, wonder who he was talking about.

The QaasimSpiracy is ridiculous. If you think Per Blankens and Scott Borchetta doesn’t want Qaasim through, you’re insane. Here’s the thing – if he wins it’s bad for the brand.

Qaasim is Qaasim. He cannot sing. Tonight didn’t disprove that. If anything, I know my girl Lyndsey Parker dubbed Seavey “Danjaya,” but give me 1,000 Seaveys over Qaasim. Qaasim is Sanjaya; he’s got crazy hair, has stage presence and can’t sing a lick. We’re done with “Danjaya” and on to “Qajaya” or the “QaasimSpircay” (Both Copyright Dudes Review Idol). Based off the judges review, there is no way they’re letting Qaasim get eliminated. He might win.

I’ll say this – if Qaasim goes much further, American Idol dies. The show’s viewers are a loyal bunch and we don’t like being toyed with. Having a schlep like him survive when he shouldn’t is testing loyalty and for a 13-year old show, that’s not a terrific idea.

I’m more upset because tonight was an incredible night. Jax? Bananas. Clark? Boner city. Nick? Darkhorse City. Tyanna? Fucking Natural.

I’ll review the performances tomorrow, but a quick rank for the night: 1) Clark 2) Jax 3) Tyanna 4) Nick Fradiani 5) Quentin Alexander 6) Joey Cook 7) Rayvon Owen 8) Daniel Seavey 9) Qaasim Middleton.

If I’m guessing, my Bottom 3 will be the Bottom 3 – although I could see Joey sneaking in there – but with him leading off, I think Seavey leaves us and the #QaasimSpiracy is fully activated the rest of the way.

Tomorrow I’ll have a full review of all songs, selections, etc; and you’ll be back, because nobody speaks the truth like me.

(PS If you check my Vine feed, that was my wife covered in a blanket giving Nick Fradiani a thumbs up. This is what happens when your husband is awesome and gives zero fucks)

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Cleaned up some of the language. I like to write blue, but on the hungover re-read, last night got a little too blue for even me. Apologies to those offended. Just kidding. I’ll keep the language dirty, just not “Bob Saget telling the Aristocrats joke” dirty)