American Idol Auditions, Part IV: You get a ticket and you get a ticket and you get a ticket …

Majesty Rose + Marialle = Terrian Bass?

Majesty Rose + Marialle = Terrian Bass?

I’d love to know the thought process behind last week’s auditions because Wednesday was short on time and slim on talent while we got the full boat Thursday with at least three contestants I think will be in the Top 12.

(Yes, it would have been nice for me to post all this Friday, but when your wife is in the hospital overnight and you have two kids to deal with, blog life gets pushed to the side. I’ll be better this week.)

I’m not going to get too crazy with an introduction because everyone who they showed Thursday got a ticket except for the usually crazies, a basketball announcer who I’m still trying to figure out why they put him on TV and a chick with blue hair who was robbed of a spot.

Who got the tickets Thursday:

Amber Lynn and James VIII
“Unaware,” Alan Stone
“Sun Comes Up,” Jon Legend

The biggest shock was none of the judges used the word “bohemian” to explain the couple that was a flower and a bag of weed short of being old-school hippies. As much as I hated Amber Lynn’s ridiculous hat I loved her voice and while James the 8th had a punchable face, I didn’t hate him, which is weird because usually I hate dudes with punchable faces and man buns. Based off that audition he’s got no chance at Top 24 – there are better WGWGs – but Amber Lynn cold be sneaky because of her voice and because of her porn star name.

Emily Wears
“Bring on the Rain” Jodie Mecina
Everyone’s first thought had to be why they didn’t know about the University of Auction School when they graduated. This girl was super pretty and had a good voice, but she’s not anywhere near the talent we’ve seen so far. However, the auction voice could be a game changer. If she just busts out those talents and auctions off a song, she might have a shot.

CJ Johnson
“You Make My Dreams Come True,” Hall & Oates

There’s one dude each season who I want to be my best friend and right now that guy is CJ Johnson and it’s only because he went Yacht Rock for his audition song. He’s a straight ringer because it’s painfully clear he’s got a ton of professional experience and if he’s playing as much gigs as he says, he knows how to arrange music. He’s not a super hunk, but he doesn’t look like a bag of garbage either, so that will play. Hopefully he makes Top 6, gets on tour and can give me the same “please don’t murder me” look Clark Beckham did last year.

Ethan Kuntz
“Stormy Monday,” Allman Bros.
I like the kid because it’s an excuse to say Kuntz all season long. All apologies to all the young bucks we’ve seen thus far but Kuntz is the best of the bunch. He’s got some dirty soul in that voice and while I can’t speak to his guitar skills, I can speak to my ability to make sure I say Kuntz all season long.

Mary Williams
“Til I Can Make It On My Own,” Tammy Wynette
When this girl dropped a YOLO on everyone. Didn’t like her, don’t think she’s better than any of the country girls we’ve seen who got through and of the girls who made it tonight, she was the worst. But YOLO, amirite?

Xavier Soller
“Friends in Low Places,” Garth Brooks
Only mentioning him because of the basketball thing and I’m pretty sure he proved musicians are musicians because they’re horrible athletes. Also mentioning him because me and my college friends sing “Friends in Low Places” when we’re shithammered drunk at weddings. That first note hits and we race to the dance floor and get together like Voltron and sing it about as well as X did. Xavier and I became quick friends on Twitter and he’s officially invited to get drunk with us, but he can’t make fun of us for being goofy white guys.

Terrian Bass
“Happy,” Pharrell

I compared her to Marialle, but then I thought I was racist, but then I realized she’s got the same style of voice and look and OK, it might have been a little racist but it’s really innocent and I drink all night so leave me alone. I liked Terrian. She’s from the same spot Three Six Mafia is and they put out tracks that got me through college and they won an Oscar, so I’m rooting for her provided producers don’t jam her down our throats like they did with Marialle.

(PS I may have wanted to compare her to Majesty Rose and got my ex-contestants confused. Typical white guy move.)

Leann “Blue” McIsaac
“Some made up BS,” herself

Hate the hair and her attitude with a nomadic lifestyle, but how in the hell did Blue not make it to Hollywood? Her voice was different than anything we’ve heard since that Lilly girl a few years back (not googling that). It had a slight tinge of Florence (minus the Machines) without the incredible power, but who knows? Maybe she has that and we just didn’t get a chance. Really wish Idol would explain why someone like this didn’t make the cut but some of the others did. A lot of clearly less-talented people picked up a golden ticket but Blue didn’t because why? She’s tried to make up a song on the spot? Insanity.

Tommy Stringfellow
“Give Me Love,” Ed Sheeran

The fact he isn’t the lead singer of a boy band yet is impossible. You couldn’t ask for a more perfect look for a teenage superstar. The hair, the suspenders, the skinny jeans, the guitar and the voice? Yeah, I’m not sure a teen can win American Idol again but if one can it’s gonna be Tommy Stringfellow. He’s cute enough that the old moms will love him and their daughters will be hanging his posters up on the wall with their phones in vibrate mode (PS When my daughters turn 13 I’m jumping off a bridge). Tommy Stringfellow will be your Season 15 American Idol and you heard it hear first.

Tywan “Tank” Jackson
“Superstar,” The Carpenters
This is me if I was black. He’s got the same chance I do of winning Season 15, but I’m rooting for Tank because I need a fat black dude with soul to perform for me every week. The only question I had was his arms looked T-rex short. Is that because his shirt was six sizes too big? Feel like my whiteness is a disadvantage talking about black fashion.

John Wayne Shulz
“The Dance,” Garth Brooks

I instantly remembered John Wayne Shulz because when Dudes Review Idol was just a Facebook conversation among friends, we all said the same thing – this dude was too good looking for Idol. The backstory of his mom was tear-inducing but his look is going to steal the damn show. He’s going to sweep the small amount of country votes and the mom vote because any woman over 30 will vote for a guy who looks like that. If he just follows the “songs moms love” playbook and plays Billy Joel, Springsteen and Tom Petty, he might win the damn thing.

Jordyn Simone
“Who’s Loving You?” Jackson 5
It’s bullshit that Jordyn’s in the competition because if you’re 30 you’re ineligible to win American Idol and she looks older than my wife, who lost her Idol eligibility five years ago. If she actually is 15, GOOD LORD. I think it’s the bangs. That’s a classic old lady haircut that she’s probably had since she was a baby. I bet her mama never let her grow them out. We let my 4-year old grow hers out and my wife is has daily panic attacks about it. Jordyn’s just not fair because her voice is terrific, she’s never going to age. Plus if she wins she’ll be the second Idol champ who spelled Jordan wrong.

Kassy Levels
“Call Your Girlfriend,” Robyn
Rhea Raj
“How Will I Know,” Whitney Houston
First off, super racist of Idol to put the two ethnic girls in a montage, especially considering they were both smokeshows and both absolutely crushed their auditions. I really want to see more of Kassy because she brought the guitar out and BGWG don’t come on Idol every week. With Rhea, her song choice was awesome, her voice was awesome and she’s gorgeous, but there is no way she’s happy about being featured how she was featured because she knows they’re thinking “wow there’s a lot of Indians on the show this year” and she’s caught the least amount of screen time. If I had to guess, one of these two gets in a fight with someone during Group Night, but we’ll see one of them in the Top 50.
Oh, and if you think I’m ignoring the fact that they both have Grade A porno names, you’re wrong. Gotta save some of the good material for later on.

Jake Dillon
“Danny’s Song,” Kenny Loggins
I don’t care what the situation is, getting married at 18 is a horrible mistake. I got married at 29 and I have two beautiful kids and I still kinda regret not milking every second of being single and awesome out of my life. Once you hit 30, things just fire downhill quicker than you’d imagine. Getting married at 18? MISTAKE. Jake can make up for it really quick by getting Idol famous and burying hot road beef. He’s certainly got talent and as that dirty/hunky look chicks love. The family thing makes things complicated, but this could be a life-changing event for Jake Dillon.

Ashley Lilinoe
“Black Velvet,” Alannah Myles
I’m no math major, but if you’re infinite years old I’m pretty sure that makes you ineligible according to American Idol rules. She’s pretty much a Hawaiian Jenn Blosil, but she ends up being one of those people who everyone loves in auditions and we never see again because she’s too much of a kindred soul to be restricted by the man known as American Idol.

Andrew Nazarbekian
“Make You Feel My Love,” Bob Dylan
Is he the prettiest Idol auditioner ever? You look at this dude and it’s clear in a suit and tie he’s making chicks faint but if you slapped a dress on him, did up his hair and got a nice close shave, many a manly man would chase him like he was a sorority sister on spring break. I loved, loved, loved his voice. Think he’s going to fill the role as the pop singer guy and since he’s basically got all of Russia behind him, he could go deep into the show.
(PS Contestants need to learn who originally sang songs and who didn’t. This is an Adele cover. You say “Gonna sing a Bob Dylan song like Adele did” but don’t say you’re singing an Adele song. IMO, you get automatically eliminated by making that type of mistake.)

Elvie Shane
“House of the Rising Sun,” The Animals
When he said Kentucky, exploring drugs and arrested, I was pumped because I don’t think we’ve had an Idol who liked meth. Someone’s gotta be the first, right?

Elvie looks like some rock star guy who I think dated Paris Hilton, but I can’t remember and you can only google “Paris Hilton former boyfriend” so many times before your laptop gets herpes. His backstory – minus the meth, which may actually be weed but I’m just gonna keep saying meth because Kentucky – and his look make him a very likeable contestant. He’s got a hell of a voice and his audition pretty much ruined any chance Ethan Kuntz had of making Top 24 (can’t have too many Southern rockers).

I don’t know what it is about this dude but I really like him. Is it because he followed me on Twitter? I’m not saying yes, but I’m not saying no either. There’s something about the way his audition was edited, the way the judges’ responded and how everything broke down, I think he’s gonna end up as one of the top guys who either makes the Top 24 or gets his heart ripped from his chest.

Looks like we won’t get any mediocrity next week. Either superstars or idiots. Pretty pumped they’re wrapping this up. Am I emotional about auditions ending? Nope, it’s the worst part of the show. Can’t end faster.