Everyone should be happy American Idol auditions have finally ended because they’re the worst

The last guy to try out for American Idol.

Oh, you’re in investment banking? I was the last guy to try out for American Idol. Boom.

Crowded House was right. Don’t dream it’s over.

Really tough to believe that was the last audition episode of American Idol we’re going to see. I’ve never been a huge fan of the audition process, but you can’t deny the success it’s brought the franchise. People barely remember the amazing auditions. Ask a random person which Idol auditions they recall and it’s the junk that quite a few people have gotten famous off of. Not bad for people trying out as a joke.

When I started watching Idol, some of those morons were funny but once I started getting serious about the show the auditions were nothing more than the Minor Leagues, like watching Real World so I can see who’s going to be good on The Challenge. Auditions gave me a chance to see potential talent but producers had to feed the beast and that meant showing people who dressed like it was Halloween, frat pledges and women who’s only note was loud.

I’m happy American Idol did the right thing and made sure the last audition episode was heavy on talent and light on the William Hung wannabes. Anyone you thought was going to be a clown either turned out not to be or was borderline good. Better than seeing anyone trying to reprise “Pants on the Ground.”

But producers made one monster mistake and that was not having Melany Huber finish the show. Manny Torres will be the Jeopary question to “He was the last person to be shown on an American Idol audition episode” (OK, there’s no way that will happen, but gotta let Manny dream, right?) even though his audition was a song from a judge on a rival singing show. Knowing how these producers think, they were probably like “yeah, that’ll show The Voice who’s boss!” even though I can’t quite figure out how that’s a dig.

Idol whiffed on not closing with Melany Huber. Her story – a Stage 3 Hodgkins survivor – brought goosies before she sung a not and when she did it was awesome to see she was more than the bald girl that had cancer. She has talent and she’s not just “make it to Hollywood” good. This girl is legit Top 24 and if you’re not rooting for her you can go to hell on a direct flight.

(PS not fair using “Fight Song” after she got the ticket. Those first couple of notes played and I was just thinking “don’t do it. Don’t play Fight Song.” Then it hit. Boom. Tears all over my living room. Rooting for this girl to the point I might break my “I Don’t Vote” rule.)

Tough to read the rest of the episode. Lots of talent came running out during the two-hour show but everything seemed so damned rushed. I think Melany seems like a solid Top 24 contender, but after her it’s really tough to guess. Those three chicks who sang during the montage seemed placed; I’d guess one gets deep into the show. If Chynna isn’t a Top 24 I’m disappointed and if she doesn’t make it and Zack Person doesn’t, then American Idol is being straight up racist.

It’s going to be real hard to break down who should make the Top 24 based on what we’ve seen so far.

For now, here’s what I thought of the final auditioners in American Idol history.

Jessica Cabral
“Brand New Me,” Alicia Keys
I went to high school with like six Jessica Cabrals and none of them sounded like this. I wasn’t expecting a disaster, but I wasn’t expecting Jessica to sound the way she did. It was deep, but not scratchy, growly deep. It’s the kind of voice that sneaks up on you and if she picks the right songs she’s going to find herself in the Top 24 and we can talk about delicious Portuguese food like chourico and malasadas.

Brian Dale Brown
“Unchained Melody,” The Righteous Bros.

Hope BDB wears this getup in Hollywood Week.

Hope BDB wears this getup in Hollywood Week.

As a fellow fat, there was no way I wasn’t rooting for this guy. The white fat dudes don’t get the accolades as the big black dudes. We’re more comical than musical and Brian didn’t have a Ruben voice, but he tried hard. The most surprising part of his audition wasn’t that his girlfriend was 42 because she looked 30, at most. I was pretty sure this was a joke audition but it wasn’t bad. I’m rooting for him because us fat white dudes gotta stick together – provided he doesn’t wear that horrible hat anymore and wears his winter clothes. (Every big dude has three sets of clothes. Fat winter ones, slimming spring/getting fat fall, skinny summer. Never-ending cycle.)

Melany Huber
“Talking to the Moon,” Bruno Mars

When you get someone like Melany you can’t not like her because she has cancer, but once she showed she has talent you have to root for her. I love, love, love her voice and it’s not just because we have the same haircut. She’s bona fide. There’s some dirty, dirty soul in that voice and it’s got all the feels. All big songs that play well on Idol are usually about broken hearts or overcoming odds and if Melany picks the right ones she’ll dominate because they actually have meaning to her and not just some BS interpretation. Plus it’s going to be much easier for people to vote for her than some teenage dream queen. If she makes Top 24 she’s getting voted Top 12 out of principle. If she gets to a sing-off where America votes, she’s never going to lose. Ever.

Rachel Karryn
“Why Haven’t I Heard From You,” Reba McEntire
Caroline Byrne
“Unaware,” Allen Stone
Bianca Espinal
“Brave,” Sara Bareilles
All three were good, all three deserved a ticket to Hollywood, all three made me feel like a degenerate because I’ll never have that musical connection with my daughter because I suck. Especially Bianca, because my 4-year old has been singing “Brave” since it came out.

Chynna Sherrod
“One Last Time,” Ariana Grande
So much going on here, especially when she said “representing Connecticut” and Harry mocked the state, not thinking that while he was from one of the rich parts of CT where LAX bros rule and everyone drinks mimosas, Chynna might be from an area that doesn’t play fucking tennis and wear all whites on Sundays.
This girl was the most refreshing audition of the season. First off, black girls with guitars are more rare than lax bros who aren’t D-bags and Chynna – whose name is misspelled, a pet peeve of mine – had a voice you’d expect out of a petite white girl. There’s something about this chick I love, love, love. She’s got something in her eyes that screams kindness. Probably the kind of person who would give you her coat on a cold winter night and not care about being cold. There’s a certain sweetness to her voice and personality. She’s just Chynna and it’s going to appeal to a lot of voters. She’s got that whatever it is you want to succeed. She’s Top 24 in my book and I’m hoping she gets there.

Lillian Glanton
“Original Song,” Because White People Are The Worst
I’m not gonna get too deep on this. Lillian was good, but not great. Emily Brooke set the standard for blonde white chicks who sing country and Lillian < Emily so she won't get that far.

Kacye Haynes
“Brother,” Needtobreathe
I hate the way this dude spells his name but I loved his sound because I’m super predictable. He’s not Top 24 vocal talent, but he’s got the look. Just another hunk who can hunk his way into the Top 24. But seriously he needs to change his name to Casey, Kasey or Kayce. Otherwise, ass.

Zach Persons
“Next Door Neighbor Blues,” Gary Clark
I don’t know if I like black contestants more because I’m white and white guilt or if they’re just better, but Zach killed it. His high-top fade made me jealous (baldlife) and he’s stealing a spot from a WGWG because he’s decidedly not W. If he really wants me at his side, he grows that dope fade into a huge afro. He might sneak a spot into the Top 24 because you can only have so many WGWG and his inclusion means my boy Lee Jeans is effed. Dude might be the most musically inclined performer on the show and he’s the kind of guy that nobody really worries about until he ends up winning the show.

Colette Lush
“Who’s Loving You,” Jackson 5

Between the ginge, the bangs, the awful pants and the weird attitude, I thought this was going to be a joke audition. Then Colette opened her mouth and blew me away. She’s good. Damn good. I don’t know if there’s a spot for her in the Top 24, especially with Amelia Eisenhauer still there. Basic rule is you don’t want two ginges in the same room, same time, so I’ll take the Ginga Ninja over Colette, but she put forth a hell of an effort.

Avalon Young
“XO,” Beyonce

Love this chick because she’s like “oh, I’m a tomboy,” like Rachel Leigh Cook in “She’s All That” or the girl who took me to her junior prom and once she dresses up you know she’s gonna devastate every guy within a five mile radius. Avalon is a darkhorse Top 12 for sure because she’s got the look. If she stops wearing XL T-shirts and super baggy jeans and puts on some clothes that actually fit, people are gonna go bananas and by people I mean dudes.

Usen Isong
“Not the Only One,” Sam Smith
This dude reminded me from the guys from “Get Him to the Greek” and not because he’s super black; it’s actually the shirt that did it for me. See:
Thought it was another joke audition but he had a little early-90s R&B swag. He’s not making Top 24, but thanks for entertaining me in the final American Idol audition episode.

Jaci Butler
“If You Ever Leave Me,” Bruno Mars
If Amanda the Biker Chick from Season Whatever mated with Jax, they’d have Jaci. She’s not making Top 24, but it was nice to see her. She’s got a strong voice but she’s the type of contestant who needs a guy like me to tell her what songs to pick because she’d go off the rails quick and pick random rock songs people hate.

Stephany Negrete
“Who’s Loving You,” Michael Jackson

You do not want to know what I was originally thinking when Stephany came out because it was not flattering to her or me and when I edited this I noticed I wrote it down, so I thought it was a super good idea to edit this. That said, I didn’t think she was going to be able to sing. Thought this was gonna be our William Hung moment.

Her voice was big. Monster big. Possibly Top 24 big. Don’t know why I didn’t think it was coming, but it punched me in the face so hard I’m ashamed I didn’t expect it. I like Stephany, minus the y.

Manny Torres
“This Love,” Maroon 5

Manny’s screwed. Not his fault. He’s going to be “the last Idol auditioner” for the rest of his life. When he goes to parties and people ask him what he does, he has to mention he was the last guy to audition for Idol. He performed a blech song, did a good job of it, and deserved his spot, but what the hell were Idol producers thinking making him the final audition in American Idol history …

UNLESS he’s in the top Top 24. I don’t think he’s good enough, but the last audition has to be there. Because otherwise, producers messed up.

So pumped we’re through with auditions. I’m all in on Hollywood Week, especially once we get to Group Night and FIGHTS. Love Group Night fights. And fainting. OH GOD I CAN’T WAIT.