Breaking it down: Bad news American Idol fans, we already have a winner

Yeah, like the judges were gonna say no to THIS guy

The worst part of not drinking during American Idol auditions is re-watching the following morning because I’m not surprised by anything. It was always fun to wake up violently hung over and watch a recap, see a performance and wonder if that came before of after the sixth drink.

(Did remember Ryan Seacrest straight up hugging Justine Mara 10 seconds into the show, which I’m sure played WELL considering Seacrest has some problems with stuff like that)

This is what I’ll be doing for the recaps because it’s easier to rewatch the next morning rather than do everything at night and stay up til 2 am and be a zombie the next day. Plus I’m not one of those fancy-pants bloggers who gets sneak peeks at the episodes before the air because while American Idol follows me on Twitter and doesn’t mind the pub I give them, they’re not about to acknowledge the drunk uncle at the family reunion.

With that, he’s the recap with videos of each of the performances – minus the redhead who got cut and the WOWEEEWOWEEEWAH guy.

Mara Justine
“Love on the Brain,” Rihanna

Mara made one huge mistake and that was singing “Love on the Brain.” DO NOT SING LOVE ON THE BRAIN. One person gets to sing “Love on the Brain” and that’s Rihanna, so if you look in the mirror and you don’t see a Bahamian temptress who gives zero fucks and has the best vocal performance of the 2000s, DO NOT SING LOVE ON THE BRAIN.

Gonna cut her a break here because she’s 15 and had a good voice. But good god where are her parents here? Do they not care about her well-being? Rule 1 of Idol success – pick good songs.

Andrew Weaver
“Thinking Out Loud,” Ed Sheeran
Griffin Tucker
“Lady Madonna,” The Beatles
Christina Jones
“Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me,” Gladys Knight

Andrew Weaver is Thomas Stringfellow, your stereotypical HSWGWG. It’s gonna be him and a bunch of other Vineyard Vines-wearing dudes with awesome hair and handsome faces competing for one or two spots in the Top 24. Is he the best of the bros? We’ll see.
I ride with Griffin Tucker unless he gets to Hollywood and cuts his hair. Then we’re done. My pure disdain for the Beatles isn’t a secret and I didn’t know the song he was singing but oh boy did I like it. If this kid can pound the keys and put out fire hits, he’s gonna do just fine.

Christina shouldn’t be allowed to compete because she’s clearly a 50-year old woman who hasn’t aged since the 70s. You wanna get attention as a vocalist? Nail the first note, go on a run and watch jaws hit the damn floor. Can you imagine how much more impressed we’d all be if she had the old-school braces instead of the Invisiline? We wouldn’t even believe she was a real person. If there’s better vocalists out there than Christina, this is gonna be a ridiculous season.

William Casanova
“A Song For You,” Donny Hathaway

He’s a little cocky for my liking so … just kidding I love the shit out of this guy. Oozes confidence. Backs it up. Definitely had a conversation about being a shoe salesman that had Katy Perry thinking she would. Any dude who bangs out Donny Hathaway gets my attention, but my guess is William is going to be up against some terrific vocalists and will be in a bloodbath fight for a Top 24 spot. He lights up a room and that should help his case.

Michelle Sussett
“Some Song I Couldn’t Understand,” I Apologize For My Whiteness

She basically went up there and did a Shakira impression where you couldn’t understand a thing she said but she looks good, danced a little and hit a good note so sure, she’s good. She’s not winning Idol and I’m not talking about her any more but does deserve credit for creating the Katy Perry flash that had Lionel and Luke trying to pretending to act like gentleman when they just saw KP’s ass.
NOTE: Love the irony of Michelle getting through despite no one understanding a word she sang but the white Ukrainian kid does the same thing and shows the same amount of ability gets laughed out of the room. #Problematic.

Brandon Diaz
“Unaware,” Allen Stone

Can’t tell if this was Brandon Diaz doing Brandon Diaz, Allen Stone or the audition of American Idol’s previous champ, Trent Harmon.

He’s a WGWG (sort of? I don’t know the rule here) and falsetto fucking plays well on the show, but I’m gonna reserve judgment of his handsome fella until I get a chance to see some more. Katy obviously had no reservations and made him Top 10, leaving seven spots after she put in Mara Justine earlier in the episode and Alyssa Raghu in the premiere – to which Luke Bryan replied “She doesn’t do that like that that much” which was either an example of terrific wit, an editing error or Luke crushing too much bourbon prior to auditions.

Brandon screams Idol elite, but it’s gotta be a bummer for him to be the best-looking guy in the room 99 percent of the time and then get followed by the next contestant.

Trevor Holmes
“In Case You Didn’t Know,” Brett Young

Oh, hello Trevor. He’s just a straight up hunk, so much to the point that Luke Bryan noticed immediately (probably didn’t make his fan base happy) and Katy needed a towel, ya know what I’m sayin? There was a zero percent chance he wasn’t going to be good because people who look like that are awesome at everything. He’s 100 percent a WGWG but he’s got a lot of Fradiani in him. He’s in a band and has clearly been playing professionally for a while between construction jobs and that experience plus his incredible good looks that make me want to be his best friend are gonna play well. Oh, and of course his girlfriend looked like a Ralph Lauren model. Because of course. LOVED how she walked in and hugged him right in Katy’s grill. Usually the contestants get their hearts ripped out by the judges, but not today my friend. Not today.

Laine Hardy
“Hurricane,” The Band of Heathens

Well I don’t think we have to worry about wondering who’s going to win because it’s probably going to be Laine Hardy. Southern charm, the drawl, the looks, the style? Yep. That plays. You add the voice and this kid’s gonna roll through the contest like the last southern boy who we couldn’t really understand when he talked or sang, Philip Phillips. This kid drips so much masculinity he had Luke Bryan challenging him BEFORE he had a chance to sing. When you have a multi-platinum country star intimidated, you know you’re good. I didn’t know the song Laine sang but I don’t care. He’s officially on the list of people who can sing whatever the hell they want and it won’t matter. Only question left is who’s coming in second?

PS New Orleans has an energy like no other city mainly because nobody gets up before 11 am and that’s when the boozing starts. Went last fall and was in bed by 10 the first night (not voluntarily) and needed an adderall to stay up late the next night.

Gabbii Jones
“Dangerous Woman,” Ariana Grande

Not a huge fan of Gabbii making it sound like going to school is a bad thing. College is easy and it’s the most fun you’ll ever had. Worth every penny (unless you go to one of the fancy-pants northeast liberal schools. Go where it’s warm folks. Only regret of my college career).

The actual performance was trash but it wasn’t because Gabbii can’t sing and because this is a singing show she deserved the ticket. I feel like Gabbii might end up having one of the best voicest but she might end up being the most crazy. Chances of her not getting in some sort of scrap in Hollywood is zero percent. She needs someone not related to her to tell her what to sing and how to sing it because she clearly has that type of crazy where she’s gonna do what she wants even if it’s not good for her. It’s a blessing and a curse.

Cameron Theodos
“Original song,” BOO THIS MAN 

Since I’m basically David Cross in Pitch Perfect 2 I just ignore people when they sing originals because I’m here for the covers only so I was pissed when I kept googling the lyrics to Cameron’s song and couldn’t find them and when Katy said “I liked your original song, for sure” I nodded and thought “you sly son of a bitch.” The other thing I didn’t like about Cameron was he looks like someone I know or have seen and I can’t place it and it’s driving me bananas.

As for his talent, he’s got a ton. Him and Trevor Holmes are gonna battle for a WGWG spot and I don’t want to get in the middle of it.

Thaddeus Johnson
“Don’t You Worry Child,” Swedish House Mafia

Probably a lot of skinny folks saying “size 38, so faaaat.” Guess what? Going from 390 pounds to a Size 38 is like winning American Idol without actually being able to sing. It’s not a shock I was a huge fan of Thaddeus previously – love my big black dudes with soul – and while he’s not as round as before, I’m jumping on the Thaddeus train because he still wears a Hawaiian shirt and we all know what Homer Simpson said about those. Need him to do a cover of “Somewhere Out There” to replace the one by the Contestant We Can’t Talk About.

PS When he said “Swedish House Mafia” I just assumed I was spelling it wrong because I’m an old and nope, I nailed it. Proud of myself there.

Rissa Watson
“When We Were Young,” Adele

This girl is so damn good and definitley the leader in the clubhouse for “Most Likely to Get Screwed at the End.” The “don’t use the guitar” advice wasn’t bad, but usually that’s something producers tell the judges to say because they realize “holy shit this girl is good and she’s going to crush all the pop-star wannabes so let’s force her to sing with no guitar so she doesn’t look as good.” Rissa doing Adele is a BAD idea on paper, but she made it a good one by stripping the thing down and making it her own. I officially grant her permission to sing whatever she wants. Bad news is Katy didn’t put her in the Top 10 so tough luck kid.

Garrett Jacobs
“It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World,” James Brown

This kid looked like he should have been at the NFL Combine in Indianapolis and not trying out in front of Lionel, Katy and Luke. He’s good, no doubt, and if anyone’s gonna challenge Laine for the “Southern Teen Hunk Superstar” it’s Garrett. I was ready for him to just get up there and do some generic bro-country trash, but he put some soul on a SOUL song. I’d crack jokes at his expense but I’m pretty sure he’d have no problem whipping my ass.

PS No shot Grandma Honey doesn’t make the best fried chicken you’ve ever had.

David Francisco
“Isn’t She Lovely,” Stevie Wonder

Being paralyzed and walking in with crutches is basically cheating. David could have covered “The Thong Song” and they were letting him in, but his ticket was hardly from apathy.

David looks like a less handsome Casey James so bad news, so he’s gonna have to live with being the 26th best looking guy ever. If that beard fills in, ooooh boy hide ya wife. His voice does work and if you think people won’t vote for the paralyzed guy you’re insane. My hope is that Idol doesn’t take advantage of David’s story and focuses more on his performing and pushes that rather than the sob. Would love to see him sitting on a barstool on a dark stage singing something wildly romantic as everyone in America simultaneously cries.

I think Seacrest deserves a lot of credit here for not being awkward post-audition because last time a handicap contestant auditioned Seacrest tried to high-five him. And he was blind.

So that’s it. We’re two episodes in and this is the happiest I’ve been for American Idol since Clark Beckham came into my life. Hopefully it’ll continue next week.

For more, follow the Dudes Review Idol Twitter, check our Facebook (or at least tell your parents who watch about it) and you can see me living the #DadLife on Instagram – @Rhody31. My avi is me looking like the Kool-Aid Man. If you’re lucky, maybe I’ll blog here and there during the week seeing how with six feet of snow out there I’m not getting out of the house until June.

Yeah, like the judges were gonna say no to THIS guy