Auditions finally over on American Idol, time to get to the backstabbing, fights and crazy stage moms. WE MADE IT.

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Hey Idol, maybe we give the homeless girl a ticket because she’s good AND so she’ll have a free hotel for a week or so.

Painless and easy. That’s what the American Idol auditions should have always been.

Sunday’s audition finale was the best episode, heavy in talent, not over the top with background stories and it kept the goofiness to a minimum. I’m noticing some typical Idol moves – bringing in girls to audition who are professionals with tens of thousands of followers on social media while booting someone like Ayana Lawson, who should have been in but god forbid Idol return to its roots of being an amateur singing competition and give someone like that a chance when they can just promote another cardboard cutout Idol that ultimately ruined the franchise on Fox. But we’ll see how that plays out in the following weeks.

I didn’t get to watch Sunday’s show live because I had some nerd stuff to take care of, so I’ll keep this brief. Tonight is when the fun starts. Hollywood Week is no joke. No more happy smiles from the judges because now things are serious and there’s nothing that makes this whole process more real than when contestants get in a room with others and realize “oh shit, they’re better than me, I better start a fight right now.”

Anyway, here are the recaps. I’ll try not to plan anymore social functions the night of Idol, can’t promise anything tho.

GOLDEN TICKETS

1) Gabby Barrett

“Go Girl,” Carrie Underwood

Nothing’s going to make me more irrationally angry than a contestant just lying right to my face. Katy Perry asks her “Have you ever auditioned for something like this before?” and she says “No, this is the biggst thing. American Idol has always been the golden show” and a 3-second Google search later it turns out she auditioned for The Voice, was offered a recording contract and turned it down, so I’m out. Throw in the 30K followers and it’s clear she’s a ringer. Producers want her in there, I do not. Don’t care about her talent. Can’t root for liars.

2) Caitlin Lucia

“I Kissed a Girl,” Katy Perry

You know who I can root for? Caitlin Lucia, provided she never dresses up like a bottle of mustard again. That’s how you Idol – take a song, make it your own, rock the shit out of it and make Katy Perry genuinely frustrated she can’t sing like that. BUY BUY BUY.

3) The Elvis People

Amelia Presley

“Heartbreak Hotel,” Elvis Presley

Billy Crunk

“What a Wonderful Word,” Louis Armstrong

Bailey Eubanks

“That’s All Right,” Elvis Presley

I need more Billy Crunk in my life like I need air to breathe. They didn’t show us if any of them got tickets, but if you’re gonna have a show called American Idol and not include Elvis’ 30th cousin, a kid with the deepest voice on the planet and a dude who’s YouTube videos are him casually murdering the stage at Karaoke nights, then you might wanna rethink what your show is about.

4) Drake Milligan

“You Look So Good In Love,” George Strait

Pretty sure he’s ineligible to win American Idol because he already has a contract, because I’ve occasionally hear country songs and all the voices sound exactly like Drake. Kid’s the real deal. I’m gonna get bored with him countrying it up every week like Scotty McCreery, but I don’t pick who wins Idol even though I should. Shoutout to his dad for wearing his company’s logo on his shirt during his interview, gotta get that brand out any way you can. If this kid really wants to impress, he’ll cover God’s Plan (you see? Because they’re BOTH Drake) and then I’ll be in his corner the rest of the season regardless of what country stuff he hits me with.

PS This kid is verified? And has a TV show? SHENANIGANS. Sorry, no professionals allowed.

5) Mylon Shamble

“Stand By Me,” Ben E. King

I listened to the audition like six times and I’m not 100 percent sure Mylon Shamble isn’t one of those quirky British chicks who have that thing in their voice that sounds awesome. Sure, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about (but you do) but Katy Perry telling her NOT to sing this song was even more insane than my rambling. She good and, because now I’m on high alert, she doesn’t seem to be a professional ringer.

6) Lee Vasi

“Love Should Have Brought You Home,” Toni Braxton

Sorry Alicia Keys, you have a million hits, sang on the best song about New York ever and are a legend so no, you cannot win American Idol. Trying to sabotage American Idol from the inside is a low move, I expect more from the Voice, even if it’s a trash show.

Love her dad teaching her the classics. That’s the kind of fathering you can’t teach.

PAUSE FOR REJECTS STORY

7) Tory N. Teasley

“Forget You,” Cee Lo

I didn’t hate this. There was some SOUL in there. They’ve let crazier thru.

8) Lucy Clearwater

“Baby Got Back,” Sir Mix A Lot

Don’t cover strip club songs, American Idol 101.

CONTINUE

9) Michael J. Woodard

“Make It Rain,” Ed Sheeran

When he started stumbling I gave it the ol 30 second fast forward figuring this was going to be a death scene, heard a note and had to get back quick. Biggest redemption of the season and he did it wearing Air Dads. He’s got a better chance of going to the NFL than getting through Hollywood week, but this a solid watch.

10) Brielle Rathbun

“Gravity,” Sara Bareilles

Holy shit I’m not 100 percent sure this girl’s not gonna win American Idol. I don’t know what it was. There was just something about that performance that hit me. She’s either eliminated early in Hollywood or she finishes Top 5. My brain is so confused right now.

11) Carly Moffa

“Original,” Not Making a Joke Because I’m a Halfway Decent Human Being

Well her intro package was all fun and games and then boom, MS mom hammer smashed me in the face. I’m pretty sure she was high when she auditioned and if that’s the case, she’d better make sure to get a script when she gets to Hollywood because she’s gonna be there a while.

12) Samuel Swanson

“Let’s Stay Together,” Al Green

I was really hoping Sam’s speaking voice and singing ends were on opposite ends of the spectrum because if you’re huge and have some bass, I’m all in. Sam’s not winning Idol, could be a sneaky underdog to cause drama during group night tho.

13) Jurnee

“Rise Up,” Andra Day

Just gonna say what everyone was thinking. She shouldn’t be married. Not because she’s gay, because she’s 18. Getting married before 30 is crazy. Just date for a real long time, give yourself some wiggle room. Audition was fine, run on the chorus was great. Married at 18. What a world.

PS She looks EXACTLY like Steve Urkel’s girlfriend, RIP 

14) Adam Sanders/Ada Vox

“House of the Rising Sun,” The Animals

If you think I wasn’t furiously Googling “Adam Sanders” “Dudes Review Idol” to make sure I didn’t lead to his depression, you forget how blackout drunk I used to get back in the day. Thankfully, the search came up empty, so I’m not a total dick and that’s a W I’ll take. If Adam Sanders was Top 50 and got cut I think Ada Vox is gonna do just fine. I don’t

PS Watched Adam Sanders audition from Season 12. Worth it. Regardless of who he performs as, if he cuts the theatrics out Adam/Ada is gonna beat some folks.

 

TOP 3 OF THE NIGHT

1) Caitlin Lucia

Listen, when you drive the singer of the song you’re singing to the ledge because they realize you’re better at it than they are, you did something right. Katy’s gonna have to live with the fact that “I Kissed a Girl” is now a Caitlin Lucia song going forward, guess she’ll have to rely on her Scrooge McDuck piles of money to heal that wound.

2) Brielle Rathbun

The dreads threw me off and so did her teaching Luke Bryan how to step up his fuck game with better humps (my interpretation, maybe not actually what happened), but she just had this something that makes me thing we’re gonna see a lot more. Like she has these quiet little performances, then she’s gonna belt out Celine and I’m gonna lose my mind.

3) Ada Vox

Yaaaas queeen. (I think that’s something that works here. Does it? Can’t tell you how much I hate being out of touch with things)

 

Hollywood is finally here. Pumped. See y’all tonight.

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