Hollywood Week Moves on as Idol dramatically cuts down to the Top 50 and by dramatically I mean pretty obviously

Effie

When you sing heart you automatically win American Idol, IIRC


American Idol let me down Sunday night. Real fucking bad.

I was waiting for some drama. I love when Hollywood Week comes to a close and you start seeing who’s in Room 1, 2 or 3 (and sometimes 4). You notice a couple studs and figure a room is safe, then you see another and you remember that girl’s good performances but remember that guy sucking and when they show the other room they have those two girls who forgot lyrics and that guy who was really good in the first audition but they didn’t show much of him the rest of the way in the room so who’s gonna be safe?

Didn’t get that Sunday night, but thanks to the indigestion from overeating at my in-laws’ Polish Easter like I do every year (cabbage soup, hand-made pierogies, fresh kielbasa, my house smells like the inside of a diaper right now), it wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me.

If you had half a brain and a set of working ears, you knew Room 2 was fucked proper. Room 1 had Catie Turner, Dennis Lorenzo, Maddie Zahn, Victoria McQueen, Kourtney Smith and like a dozen other contestants we’d seen kill it on stage. Room 2? Room 3? Effie Passero, Ada Vox, Jurnee, Noah Davis and like six others before they, GASP, moved Thaddeus from Room 1 to Room 3. OH THE HORROR. If that created any drama, it would have been the people in Room 1 thinking “oh boy, Thaddeus is about to get fucked out of a spot.” I get why Thaddeus was stressed, but the second he walked into that room he had to have known he was good and I bet everyone else felt the same.

You know who didn’t? Room 2. Like if they would have put Room 2 there wouldn’t be enough people to field a Top 24. I’m pretty sure they all knew they were cut because Genavieve Linkowski said “Everybody is so talented. I don’t know if I can say it’s a yes or no room,” and that’s exactly what you say when you’re trying to talk yourself into being a yes room when you know you’re definitely a no room. The only drama in Room 2 was if the kid behind Laine who was blurry in the background but definitely had the Laine haircut and shirt was Laine or if Laine was in Room 3 because the dude in Room 3 had the same shirt and haircut but here’s the honest truth – once you hit 30, teenagers all look exactly the same so I’m battling the terror that my Day 2 pick is gone and I’m gonna look like a real a-hole.

Anyway, no drama with the rooms and it was a well put together show. We’re starting to see some old Idol tricks, when they show people they’ve forced down our throats stumble and even introduced us to someone we hadn’t seen perform for a second, a sure sign that they’re in the Top 24 and Idol realized they’d better give them some screen time so nobody bitches about favoritism.

I’ll use the rest of this intro to continue my age-old gripe that American Idol fucks up by not putting all the solo performances from Hollywood online for losers like me to watch. Would love to see how everyone fared so I could judge for myself, but I guess it’s hard to push certain contestants through if they’ve sucked when you actually let everyone hear them sucking.

On to the recaps, hope you’ve gone time because the length here snuck up on me. Whoops.

HOLLYWOOD SWINGIN

Gabby Barrett
“Ain’t No Way,” Aretha Franklin


I’m 100 percent out on Gabby. She’s a better vocalist than like 99 percent of the contests and more polished than Luke, Lionel or Katy on stage, but this girl is 100 percent a ringer and I don’t like it one bit. She didn’t find Idol, Idol found her and they’re gonna make sure she’s in the show and stays as long as possible even though they really don’t need to do that because she’s good AF. PS Wish her dad Blase had a little accent mark above the ‘e,’ would make his name much cooler but probably wouldn’t help his rep on the streets in Pittsburgh.

Marcio Donaldson
“(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman,” Aretha Franklin

I need to be sure Marcio is more substance than story and it’s really hard to judge off an 8-second performance where I don’t get to hear the notes that give me goosies get me up off the couch – an impossible feat tonight considering the amount of food I ate at Polish Easter.

Effie Passero
“Alone,” Heart

If you rock the shit out of Heart you automatically get a bye to the Top 10, it’s actually in the American Idol rules. Effie’s good and if Laine doesn’t get his shit together she’s gonna end up being my pick to win the damn thing because I already see me accidentally drinking several vodka sodas and her singing songs I want to hear at that exact moment while I SCREAM them out with sleeping kids upstairs and explain to my wife how awesome Effie is.

Amelia Hammer Harris
“Feel It Still,” Portugal. The Man.

Hammer might end up being the first person to compete in Idol that’s too good for Idol. I don’t want her winning American Idol because she’ll end up with some ridiculous record deal that won’t let us see her really use her talents for good and if she just takes an L in the Top 24 she can go off and sign with somebody, then a year from now she’ll be performing at the Grammy’s as a Top New Artist nominee and everyone will say “oooh, American Idol is stupid, they cut this girl, those fucking morons” without even realizing they’re the morons for not making her famous like five years earlier.

Cade Foehner
“Feel It Still,” Portugal. The Man.

I need this kid in the Top 24 like I need adderall to go out at night because if there’s a possibility to have someone turn everything into an 80’s rock song I need that in my life every week. More Cade please. Plus Cade is gonna drive ratings and if Idol was smart, they’d put him on the show and get a white wine ad deal for the show because the 40-plus female crowd is gonna go WILD for this dude.

Harper Grace
“Original Song,” STOP THIS

I don’t watch Idol to hear great songwriting, I watch Idol to hear songs I know sung in ways I could never imagine. I boo this performance. Boo. Harper Grace’s two-first name attack is gonna be in a mishmash of girls on the same level and if it’s a coinflip in talent, I’m gonna lean on the side of the contestant singing songs I’ve actually heard.

Noah Davis
“Piece by Piece,” Kelly Clarkson
I applaud Noah for taking on that song by that traitor Kelly Clarkson (THE VOICE STINKS) and as the boy’s adoptive father, it was hard for me to see him sing like this. It’s like when my 6-year old only gets 37 of 45 on her Math Wizards’ test because she didn’t have enough time. Like, WTF was that? I expect more from Noah and it’s because of love. Glad they gave him a shot because if he gets into the Top 24 I’m gonna be a proud, proud papa. My boy just needs a little confidence, a big song, and a performance that brings tears to everyone’s eyes. Didn’t get that tonight.

Catie Turner
“Original,” Booooooooo

If you don’t like this girl, let me speak for everyone when I say fuck you. Did I like her song? Of course not. Did I like the way she sang it? OBVIOUSLY. I want Catie in the Top 24, Top 12, Top whatever because she gives zero fucks and performs like she expects to be there. The more Catie we can have on TV, the better, plus if she gets on the Live shows it’s gonna be like every teenage movie where she takes off her glasses, puts a little makeup on, loses the hat and OMG SHE’S THE HOTTEST CHICK I’VE EVER SEEN AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST AN ARTSY NERD even though she’s still the same Catie.

Dennis Lorenzo, Brandon Elder
“Home,” Daugherty

I loved the way they edited this but I’m guessing Brandon Elder didn’t because it did not help make him look good one bit. Dennis sang the shit out of it and Brandon sounded like drunk Scott Stapp. Whenever contestants sing the same song, if one is clearly better than the other, the worse of the two should always be eliminated and I’m glad they did that hear. Would make the process a lot faster if they just followed this every step of the way. Once I saw Brandon in Room 2, it was obvious that Room was GTFO while Dennis had to pretend like he was surprised to move on.

Maddie Poppe
“Original,” If It’s Not On Top 40 Station I Don’t Know It

If you’re gonna come out dressed as the girl from Blind Melon’s “No Rain” video, then at least sing that song (just realized that song’s creeping up on 30, gonna go jump off a bridge now). Maddie is damn good and I love that she’s not a pop princess. She’s got a great voice and I’d love to see her go big with it one time, but for now she can just keep doing her and fucking cruise thru this competition. Katy Perry comparing her songwriting to Maddie was a stretch considering Katy’s song’s are mostly written by the same four dudes who write every single hit pop song for everyone while Maddie writes her own shit because she’s not famous enough to pay Max Martin 100K for a banger.

Michelle Susset
“I’m Coming Out,” Diana Ross

This performance was much better than her trash audition, but if it did anything for us it just confirmed that Luke Bryan has some very problematic tendencies. I’m not gonna lightly toss around the ‘R’ word, but comparing the hispanic singer to the first hispanic pop star you can think of isn’t great. It’s not the first time Luke’s done this and probably won’t be the last, so he’s either trying to avoid looking like a racist or the other.

Ron Bultongez
“Home,” Phillip Phillips

I love Ron and I love this song, but I’ll try to do this fairly … hahaha no way. This was one of my favorite performances, one I’d spend the 99 cents to purchase on iTunes if I bought songs on iTunes like the rest of the olds still do, suckers. Loved how Idol producers were quick to add the “oh hey, we already have one guy who adopted his sister’s baby, now we have another guy who ADOPTED TWO. IN YOUR FACE MARCIO.” Last time I fell for a performer like Ron this hard it was David Oliver Willis and he got fucked six ways to Sunday in back-to-back seasons so I’m really excited to be tortured Monday night.

Jonny Brenns
“I Lived,” OneRepublic

I need to see what Jonny’s dad looks like because in my head he’s 100 percent a stereotypical banker dude with a $5000 suit, slicked back hair and he is fucking furious Jonny boy isn’t trying to learn the market and instead wants to chase this pansy ass dream of his. Jonny’s decent, but his performance stunk, so hopefully he can write a movie about him and his father’s relationship but fudge the ending so he wins Idol and him and his dad hug at the end as pop whispers “I always believed in you.” and we all have a good cry.

Crystal Alicea
“Set Fire to the Rain,” Adele

Oh boy this was bad. Still thinks she deserves a Top 24 after volunteering as tribute last week, but after Sunday maybe not. Moving on.

Deonte Baker
“Too Good At Goodbyes,” Sam Smith

Oversing a little more. NEXT

Jurnee
“One Last Time,” Ariana Grande

Awful song, good voice, Jurnee is shooting up the rankings quick as the most confusing candidate on this year’s show. She’s 18, but she’s married, and some auditions she sounds ridiculously good and then others she’s very ordinary. I don’t want to praise or bash her because I can see myself being on the wrong side of history either way and looking like an asshole usually isn’t my thing when I’m not pounding thru vodka sodas.

Trevor Holmes
“Home,” Phillip Phillips

When Trevor sings I feel like he’s singing to me and as a straight, married dad with two kids it’s really confusing, so yes, if you’re asking, I enjoyed this performance a lot. Trevor’s either not making the Top 24 or he sneaks in the last spot, then he ends up finishing in the middle of the voting every week until whoops, he won Idol and he gets to hang out with Nick Fradiani and become the hottest singing duo since K-Ci and Jo-Jo, except they’re white guys.

Maddie Zahn
“Up to the Mountain,” Patty Griffin

Maddie came off as this hipster WGWG chick who was only gonna do folk song and artsy covers, then she comes up and blows the doors off that last part of the song. If you ask me if Maddie Zahn has one of the Top 12 voices from the girls we’ve seen, the answer is clearly yes, and if you think that’s what you should judge a singing show on I’d say it’s a pretty good criteria. However, I already see Miss Maddie missing out on the Top 24 for some teeny bopper pop princess with inferior vocals but has “that it factor” and I’ll tell you what – I’m already super pissed about it.

Shannon O’Hara
“Up to the Mountain,” Patty Griffin
I can’t tell if I liked that song or if it was a little oversung or what. Shannon seems like a solid contestant, but if it’s her and Maddie Hoppe battling for a Top 24 spot that fight’s already over.

Genavieve Linkowski
“Praying,” Ke$ha

Good news for Genavieve, she sang this better than Kesha did at the Grammy’s. Bad news for Genavieve, Kesha stunk out loud. It was good, not great, thanks for showing up.

Garrett Jacobs
“Wicked Game,” Chris Isaak

If you’re gonna try to bang every chick when you get back home from American Idol, singing Chris Isaak is a pretty good start. Performance wasn’t good, I blame the voice being shot to hell rather than Garrett’s actual ability. Now go back to Louisiana and roll around the sand with some girl in a bikini.

Britney Holmes
“Dive,” Ed Sheeran

Wait … how did they bring her back? Were we aware of this? Normally I’d call shenanigans but I’m not about to do that to someone I think just got herself back in contention. She went on some runs here (something I don’t know much about whether we’re talking singing or the physical act) that had me checking my Twitter history to see if I bashed this girl real bad because I need a first-class ticket on her bandwagon.

Gabii Jones
“Million Reasons,” Lady Gaga
This was bad. Real bad. But if Gabii thought her dad was upset about her going to Hollywood to chase this singing thing, just wait til he gets that bill for the first semester.

Thaddeus Johnson
“Rise,” Katy Perry

I’m gonna need Thaddeus to start wearing suits and talkin about Jesus more because dude takes me to church every time he sings. My concern right now is they’re giving us a lot of Thaddeus because there’s some other random gospely type singer they haven’t shown and they’re gonna kick Thaddeus off for him and we’re all gonna cry at the same time.

Kay Kay
“Set Fire To the Rain,” Adele
Random black girl we haven’t seen all season killing a performance during the second solo performances? This is a production fuck up where they couldn’t clear her songs or make her story fit with the others and she didn’t cause any drama on group night so here she is let’s give her 10 seconds of air time before the Top 24 starts so we don’t look totally incompetent. I’m about as sure of this as I am that there is no way Kay Kay is actually from New Hampshire.

Laine Hardy
“Fire Away,” Chris Stapleton

He’s still going to win American Idol unless the Laine look-a-like in Room 2 was actually Laine and it was a look-a-like in Room 3. Regardless, Laine’s voice was cooked for this song I don’t know because my kids only listen to 70s funk, 80s rock and whatever the local Top 40 station plays and I’ll tell you what – Chris Stapleton songs aren’t winning Idol. I know the kid isn’t a Justin Bieber fan, but once he gets to the Top 24 and realizes people have to vote for him en masse so he can win, he’ll do a cover of “Sorry” or “I’m the One” and people will lose their G D minds. LAINE TRAIN IS BACK ON.

Caleb Lee Hutchinson
“Baby Lock Them Doors,” Scotty McCreery

Listen, I don’t care what the actual name of the song is or who song it, this song is forever “Baby Lock Them Doors” and it’s by Scotty McCreery because he sang it no less than 10 when he won Idol. When Caleb opened I laughed because it was Scotty. Caleb’s good. Real good, and there’s a chance that they might not let him and Laine into the Top 24 because then they’ll have two country guys in whatever the next level is and if you’re gonna ask me to pick one of the two, I’m gonna ask for a bottle opener.

Michael J. Woodard
“Maybe This Time,” Cabaret

I’m sure Michael works his ass off but there’s no excuse for serving food at a bowling alley in the bowling area. All it takes is one snot-nosed 4-year old to drop a slice, that leaves grease on the floor, that gets on my shoes, I try to slide and instead my shoe sticks and I go ass over tea kettle because Michael J. Woodard doesn’t know food doesn’t go anywhere near a fucking alley. Good thing he’s better at singing than hosting birthday bowling parties because that performance might have been my most favorite of the night. You give me something from a musical, I’m listening.

Solid show, really excited for Monday’s episode when we start cutting people, getting the Top 24 and I can’t start tasting the tears of the fallen.

Speaking of tasting tears of the fallen, wanted to apologize to readers of the blog for last week. I got word that a job opened up at a place I’ve dreamed to work for so I sent my application in; I was stressed all weekend about getting an interview and was planning to write Tuesday morning but got an email saying I got the interview, so then I was stressed until my interview Friday. I think that went well and I’m hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. Should find out later this week and I’m hoping if things go well it won’t interfere with my Idol schedule because, as we all know, a paying job at the company I’ve dreamed of working at since I was 9 is was less important than blogging about a show I really only started watching because a chick I was hooking up with liked it.

See y’all tonight.

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