Who made the American Idol Top 14? A bunch of people who can’t buy booze and only like one or two who can sing.

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Oh we were so close.

And then American Idol went and fucked everything up again.

It gets hard to defend a singing show when actual vocal talent is the third or fourth criteria to move on.

If you look at the Top 14 performers left on this season of American Idol, they aren’t the 14 best. They are the 14 the producers thought they could market the best, the 14 they thought could do the best to draw Instagram followers or make funny kitty cat Snaps that could go viral.

The era of American Idol trying to put the best 14 performers on stage and have them sing to win a once-respected show is over. Now we’ve got a bootleg version of America’s Got Talent without the shitty magicians.

Obviously we’re not seeing every second of every audition, but there is no evidence to prove Effie Passero didn’t deserve a spot. She wasn’t one of the Top 14 performers; she wasn’t one of the seven best girls. She was THE best. Her ability to sing – god forbid – and adapt on the fly made her a dynamic contestant. There isn’t a genre she couldn’t go up and totally destroy. But short, stout, covered in tats with a mohawk doesn’t sell as well as a teenager or someone who can dance on stage despite not being able to actually sing. It’s like Idol just took the last 12 girls left, put them in order of who would look the best on IG and picked them before they sang a note.

Idol is desperate for a teenager to win Idol because they think it’ll lead to viewers. Newsflash – it won’t. Every time Idol pushes a teen-heavy lineup, ratings shit the fucking bed. Because old people watch Idol and we don’t want teenagers with above average voices singing shitty new songs or songs about topics they can’t even fathom. A teen girl will never win Idol because teenage girls cannot sing like seasoned pros without a fuckton of postproduction unless they’re the once in a million types, like Charlotte Church or Christina Aguilera.

The other thing Idol did was avoiding Adam/Ada’s gender like the plague. Problem is, you have two teams here – guys and girls. When they cut to the Top 24, there were 12 girls, 11 guys and Adam/Ada. So for the sake of the show – and the sake of the show ONLY – Adam/Ada is a guy. But now we get to the top 14 and there’s seven guys, six girls and Adam/Ada so they’re a girl? No no no. Idol is even avoiding mentioning gender in fucking previews for next week because they’re so terrified of the issue.

Ada/Adam deserved a spot so and I could care less who they perform as. But if they were part of the guy’s count for the Top 24, have some consistency. If Ada/Adam counted as a guy, that opens a spot for Effie.

The solution going forward? American Idol needs to take the decision out of the judges’ hands like it did when the show was good. Cut the Top 50 down to the Top 24. Week 1, have 12 guys perform. America votes the Top 4 guys in, Idol judges get two wildcards. Week 2, have 12 girls perform. Repeat process. That way Idol can sneak its “marketable stars” (who’ve never come close to winning, FWIW – Qaasim was a disaster and Sam Woolf was a disaster week after week but kept surviving thanks to rule changes and shady deals that never existed before that season that shall never be named) in and America gets to have its show back.

This Top 14 is incredibly weak now that Effie and Amelia are gone. There’s no variety on the girls side – there’s Maddie the “songwriter,” Catie the nerd and four who are more marketable than talented – and no depth – after Dennis and maybe Cade there isn’t someone who, based on show history, can win – on the guys’ side

The Top 14 lacks soul. There’s some sob stories that Idol likes to have but you need someone with a voice who’s going to capture the audience and outside of Dennis Lorenzo, I don’t know if anyone has that heart because they don’t have the life experience.

You know who did? Effie. Amelia. Dominique. They had heart. They were also three of the five oldest in the 24, so Idol had to cut them for teenagers who have more than one social media app on their phone.

The Top 24 this year was much better than the final Fox season and it looked like the reboot was going to be just fine. American Idol had its chance to rebuilt its brand and bring people back to when it was good. When it was American Idol, the singing competition you had to watch.

I miss that show. I really do.

Too bad we’re never going to see it again.

TOP 3 DUETS

The show itself was awesome until they botched the ending. Everyone brought the heat except for Garrett, who somehow made the Top 14 despite being a fucking mannequin on stage.

3) Caleb Lee Hutchinson

Like Caleb was gonna lose 70 pounds and not make the Top 14. Kid showed some life on stage and he might actually save the season because I think he can do more than sing boring ass country songs. He was terrific Monday night and I’m not just saying that because my 4-year old LOVED his performance.

2) Effie Passero

I actually wanted Cam – whoever that is – to get off stage because Effie was so damn good. It was clear Cam was there for one reason and that was to make sure everyone hears her single and not to help out Effie, who learned the song in 15 minutes and sang it better than the artist herself. Fucking A it’s gonna take me a long time to get over this.

1) Maddie Poppe & Mara Justine

Maddie and Mara were both jaw-droppingly good. They also both caught the same type of pairing, singing with artists who got the fuck out of the way because that stage wasn’t their’s for a night. Colbie Calliat (LOVE) and Rachael Platten deserve HUGE kudos for letting the Idols be the stars and both of these girls have the potential to become just that.

So what will next week bring? Probably some shenanigans. I’ll watch, but I’m not excited because I know what’s coming. This season is going to be just last the last one – no themed weeks, no chance of contestants having to do actual work to find songs; we’ll just do “Hits from 2017” and “Songs by People Who Have Won Grammys that were born after 1980” and “Only songs from when Barack Obama was President” but then they’ll throw in “Disney Songs, but we mean the hits, no bullshit like Randy Newman fire joints from Toy Story.”

Perhaps some heavy booze is in order. Guess if I want to watch my favorite show die, I might as well do it heavily intoxicated. See y’all next week.

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